not my finest barrage in idea barrages

1.) If I had a mortal enemy frozen in carbonite, I’d sure as hell draw on his face with markers and stuff.

2.) The best thing about being a tv/film burnout is not having to pretend to give a damn about award shows.

3.) Remember: 83% of all phony “hoverboard” crashes online are faked in an attempt to go viral.

4.) If you’re looking for a knight in armor or provider I’ll never be that guy, my problem is I’m just a clever boy who’s fun to adventure with.

5.) My miracle will be The Immaculate Pretension.

6.) It’s the Chili Curse. Cincinnati will only get a playoff win in football again when they stop calling that runny glop “chili”.

7.) The moment I realized the place was called Panera Bread not Pantera Bread, I knew I’d be disappointed.

8.) Subtweeting Quiznos so as to reach peak meta.