113 in idea barrages

1.) I wonder if Christopher Walken ever used the pick-up line “Let your fingers do the Walken.”

2.) The Oscar Wilde-themed stand-up comedy set was totally bombing, his forehead was covered in fop sweat.

3.) Nowadays we’d have to call them Blue Oyster Religious Community or else the right-wing churchies would say we’re being closed-minded.

4.) You know what would’ve been fun if hipsters hadn’t taken it over and made it ironic? Kickball for adults. I want unironic adult kickball.

5.) 99% of all “prepper” videos on the internet could be titled “Pasty Suburban Nob Wants To Play Armyman”.

6.) Whenever anyone uses the phrase “Ranch Dressing” ask “You mean, like, leather chaps?”

7.) There is more to love than staying with the most conventionally attractive person who’ll sleep with you until you can trade up.

8.) My years as a medical courier were basically an experiment in how long you could live off gas-station sandwiches before going mad.

9.) LinkedIn is basically just for people who need a computer to tell them they’re worthless but OKCupid wasn’t humiliating enough.

10.) You can do whatever you want there, it’s an arbitrarium.

11.) Maybe someone T.P.ed your house but MAYBE future-you time traveled to prevent The Shameful Diarrhea Incident.

12.) “Go outside and sleep naked in the cold for free,” they told the writer and the actress and the comic, “do it for the exposure!”

13.) If the Hulk’s battle cry is “Hulk… SMASH!” shouldn’t Hawkeye’s battle cry be “Hawkeye… PIERCE!”?

14.) What do you call Cypher after Wolfsbane broke up with him? Dogless Ramsey.

15.) Unless you’re in a roleplaying game, when someone tells you to work free “for the experience”, roll for attack and slap them.

16.) If I win the Powerball, I’ll probably buy the trademark for Galoob, just to say I have it.

17.) A Han Solo prequel, to answer the burning question “Where Did He Get The Vest?” I’m sure. Ugh.

18.) Remember, a militia is organized by government, usually at a state level. These are dangerous goobers overcompensating for sexual problems.

19.) That photo of Lemmy and Bowie floating around has taught me that Lemmy looked like Al Yankovic when he was young.

20.) Let’s just all agree, if anyone between Syracuse and Albany wins Powerball, we pay off Whitesboro to remove that racist logo. My pitch: the old Utica Devils logo but with a “W”, a much more benign and unifying part of local history.

21.) An A-Ha cover band where everyone dresses up as Santa Claus called “O-Ho”.

22.) Well, at least all those people in L.A. who never got their L.A. Rams tattoos removed have been vindicated, anyway.

23.) The moment marijuana’s legalized in New York, let’s set up a delivery app called Doober.

24.) More people would watch the State of the Union if they called it “The Politics Golden Globes”.

25.) I’m sneaky-hot. I’m crypto-hot. I’m double-secret hot. I’m acquired-taste hot.

26.) LIFE HACK: if you’ve put too much water in your rice cooker, you can balance it out by adding three or four iPhones.

27.) Minnie Driver is far too tall to drive a Mini Cooper without being all cooped up.