a large barrage in idea barrages

1.) Next fall, let’s start the most glam pumpkin patch ever and call it The Velvet Gourd Mine.

2.) Linguistically, it bothers me when a singing group that doesn’t play instruments a “band”. This isn’t a judgement thing, it’s a word thing.

3.) Barbie turned a sex fetish thing into a kid’s toy, Bronies turned a kid’s toy into a sex fetish thing, time is a flat circle.

4.) Sometimes I’ll sit back and wonder how much energy has been spent over the course of history pretending raisins aren’t awful.

5.) “I’m mud-blooded, check it and see, not all my fam’ly can cast magically” would be a great start to a parody.

6.) If there were a Simpsons-branded light-bulb oven, the Chief Wiggum line “bake ‘em away, toys!” could totally make sense.

7.) It’s probably good I didn’t write THE FORCE AWAKENS because I’d’a made Luke say “That’ll do, Biggs. That’ll do.” at some point.

8.) The line between “cultural tradition” and “internalized oppression”, man, somehow I doubt it exists at all.

9.) It’s lucky tobacco farmers didn’t cram an amendment in, too, at least we can fight back against that industry’s blood-money carousel.

10.) Love how the same folks arguing against changing our carbon habits also hate immigrants. What do you think climate change is going to cause?

11.) Non-profits with community engagement officers? In Soviet Utah, community is engaged to YOU!

12.) I am disappointed that the internet hasn’t hacked John Hodgman into a video game called “Sonic The Hodgman” yet. (Sarah Vowell from THIS AMERICAN LIFE “liked” this on facebook and, I’ll admit, I’m geeking out a little.)

13.) Art Bell, Ric Flair called and said you retire and unretire too often.

14.) If you summoned your State Farm agent to battle the Superman villain Mr. Mixed Pickles, that’d be an interesting fight.

15.) An alternate timeline where the ooze is spilled in Philly not New York and Rocky raises his turtle to box.

16.) The stand-up took a side-job at Joann’s Fabrics, not that he needed the money, he just did it for the material.

17.) The ghost of the world’s greatest trucker is confined to Maine for his sins in “Downeast & Bound”.

18.) Free shipping to any battle with the Justice League when you sign up for Amazo Prime.

19.) Write a book about being lovelorn on Christmas. Call it “The Thirst Noel”. Collect all the money.

20.) I sure hope there’s rap in the 24th Century so we can get the line “I’ve got ladies/I’ve got ladies all across The Pleiades”.

21.) Everyone forgets Italy’s most prominent suffragette, Susan B. Antny.

22.) An alternate reality where Hawkeye isn’t an archer but does have the superpower to stream vicious hawks out of his eyes.

23.) There are Reasons why yawn and yarn are very nearly the same word.