1215 in idea barrages

1.) I propose legislation forcing a change to the labeling of “white chocolate” to “milk wax” forever and ever.

2.) Twitter Macbeth would include the line: “is this a housecat that I see before me, his butthole in my face?”

3.) She tells her mother her treatments for neck arthritis are quackery but takes her dog to the vet every month for imaginary ear infections.

4.) DUNE was really just a tale of a young man getting in touch with his fremen-ine side.

5.) Being sure of things hardens you inside, leaves you ossified, makes you old. wears you out. The fountain of youth is doubt.

6.) More I look at brain damage in football, more I realize our culture still has human sacrifice, we just do it a lot slower.

7.) Cooped up without oxygen, an avocado doesn’t ripen, it rots. Just like a mind, I suppose.

8.) Listen alla y’all it’s the Santa Claus/listen alla y’all it’s the Santa Claus!/LISTEN ALLA Y’ALL IT’S THE SANTA CLAUS!

9.) Whether or not I’m handsome is debatable but I’ve got tall and dark on lockdown. TWO OUTTA THREE AT LEAST!

10.) I wonder if Pete Rose made a “Manfred, man, don’t be blinded by the light” joke and that’s why he’s still suspended.

11.) I’m probably the only person who’d wanna hear a mash-up of James Brown “Get Up Offa That Thing” & the end theme to Blade Runner.

12.) Political hacks who make their money off fomenting divisiveness, after the elections do they get post-partisan depression?

13.) In our system you only get political enfranchisement when they’re sure you support the things that work for the entitled. Let’s change that.

14.) I think there would be less pressure on women to shave their legs if we’d just call those hairs “thighlashes”.

15.) Releasing Alvin and the Chipmunks 7 (8? 12?) so close to Star Wars 7 is like witness protection for the careers of everyone involved.

16.) Movies should be banned from using “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”. THE BIG CHILL owns the use of that, you can’t outdo it.

17.) Oh please, Geico, as my Christmas present, do not make Smug Peter Pan into a goddamned recurring character in your ads.

18.) I’m sick to death of stories about how the world ends, what happens after the world ends. I want stories about why it shouldn’t.