1212 in idea barrages

1.) Good thing about Trump is he shows the right wing has nothing left but racism & conspiracy theories to hang on, all else is proven failure.

2.) Dear McDonalds, who in the name of Christ eats just 3 mozzarella sticks, even presumably very bad ones. Call me back when there’s a 20 pack.

3.) In your will, claim your entire life was actually just a sociology experiment for school researching being a jerk and failing.

4.) When you say “I’m not conventionally attractive but I have sex w/ HOTTIES!” you’re still part of the other side of the body-shaming problem.

5.) I’m rooting for a sex tape by the PM of like Finland or something so we can get the headline “Scandalnavian!”

6.) “Don’t wait on me/make your move/cuz I’m either gonna rise/or bottom out soon” is part of a rap I’m never going to finish.

7.) “We’re throwing a party for a carpenter named Jesus whose parents migrated to another country just before birth” said no Republican ever.

8.) Yes, Zak Snyder thinks Superman kills but you’d think a guy with a giant dragon tattoo would know to tell him Batman hates guns.

9.) A dog who won’t poop results in you singing “Tusken Raiders sing this song, YO-DA YO-DA, Tatooine to Dagohbah, all the Yo-da Day” at him.

10.) The bathroom fixtures are migrating to the kitchen because you stank the place up too much. Let that sink in.

11.) Live like we play video games these days: don’t worry about the score, try to see all the cool hidden stuff.

12.) FROST WARS: THE ROAD UNTAKEN

13.) I was an awkward teen but I grew into my handsomeness. AND WITH EVERY BURRITO, I GROW INTO IT A LITTLE BIT MORE.

14.) Multiple nightmares about being trapped in theme parks that turn out to be confidence schemes, often with exes, lately. Theme of my nightmares lately: “What appears to be success will turn out to be either a scam or so complicated as to be unfulfillable.”

15.) Honest pick-up line: “Hey baby, let’s VHS and panic attack.”

16.) Jenny Saqua is the best fake hotel sign-in for a person presenting in the female gender ever. For dudes, Norm Deguerre.

17.) If I had to pick a fav rejected Harry Potter marketing tie-in, I would probably go with “Bac-Os Malfoy”.

18.) We’re culturally complicit for the brain damage/death of every football player & fighter but nerds don’t get off light either. 1 word: Ozzy.

19.) A pamphlet called a “Chick Tract” might advocate a woman shouldn’t control her own reproductive system, that’s linguistic irony.