930 in idea barrages

1.) Why some people consider abandoning their humanity to become a “brand” is an upgrade is goddamn beyond me.

2.) facebook will own your dog unless you bury three elf eyelashes at the foot of an oak tree under the harvest moon.

3.) What’s the one downside of chugging beers in college? Carpal Funnel Syndrome.

4.) Methcessity is the mother of intervention.

5.) If Ted Cruz were to ever go to a prostitute, you know he’d pay extra for him/her to call it his “Cruz Missile”.

6.) Gamergaters think anyone decent is a “white knight” as in their minds the ONLY reason to treat women humanely is to acquire the sex. Sad.

7.) It is so depressing that all the bands and celebrities who used to have their own pinball machines now have their own video slot machines.

8.) Everyone WANTS to choke the hell out of Bryce Harper but it’s a test to prove we’re not animals, like the pain box in DUNE.

9.) Most disingenuous of the new Muppets’ series is pretending that Josh Groban and Jay Leno have any cultural relevance.

10.) I like to believe that Metallica demands that any limousine they are in must be referred to as “Metallicar” for the duration of their ride.

11.) Hollywood’s message to you: We’re so utterly out of ideas, here is a prequel to Peter Pan, God, we are so afraid for our jobs.

12.) Interestingly, the Sumerian word for “insipid” was “emoji”.

13.) People just like Trump now as an autumn fad as he’s clearly the pumpkin spice candidate.

14.) More like Triumph Of The WON’T, amirite?

15.) Just give up and release a movie about falling in love with a butcher called “Meat Cute”.

16.) I like to imagine Robert Palmer at a 12-step meeting solemnly giving himself to a higher power, trying to overcome his addiction to love.

17.) I like how the abbreviation “ICP” subliminally prepares you for music akin to witnessing a stranger getting urinated on.