917 in idea barrages

1.) The Professor saw there were two women way out of his league on that boat plus an elderly couple and a gay couple. He did as we all would.

2.) We try to force destiny on ourselves through obsessive plans but living in our heads at best we force disappointment instead.

3.) A diet of hoagies and grinders is mere subsistence living.

4.) Getting old is plucking hairs from the inside of your nose. Getting old while being Italian is plucking hairs off the outside of your nose.

5.) If you shipped urban legends, would Bloody Mary and Slenderman’s couple-name be Blender?

6.) I like to think that Super Mario’s pick-up line in bars is just “Do The Mario!” Then no one remembers the old show and he’s sad.

7.) I want a restaurant owned by an old couple called “Gus N Rose’s” that totally rips off the Appetite For Destruction cover.

8.) You’re not “looking at porno”. You’re “playing in your Fantasy Sex League”.

9.) They keep trying “prime time variety show” & keep failing. It’s like entertainment execs are creatively bankrupt or something.

10.) Just as golf is a fine walk ruined, so too is poutine is a fine cheese fries ruined. POUTINE IS THE GOLF OF FOOD.

11.) Mr. Trump solemnly rebuts with the lyrics to “Never Gonna Give You Up” then drops the mic and exits the stage.

12.) I’m noticing a lot of “you” instead of “you’re” lately. “When you face-timing your boo” etc. Am I just bothered because I’m old?

13.) The GOP debate is just a psychological preparation for our national disappointment for Star Wars 7. Easing us into it.

14.) Whenever they say “Catholic Mass” pretend you heard “Cat Lick Ass” and make a ribald joke about your pet.

15.) The key to Fiorina turning it around is convincing people she was actually CEO of Harry Potter.

16.) I feel like a Futurama alien wondering why as the largest Christie does not simply eat the rest of the debate field.

17.) In the old days the giant monster was always the good guy by the 2nd film. Would’a loved to see the Ferris Bueller GODZILLA make that pivot.

18.) When people list their middle initial in their screennames, I like to pronounce that as one name. Lotta Sarabs on Twitter.