915 in idea barrages

1.) An album of romantic sea shanties called “Love Is In The Arrrr”.

2.) At this point, I find spam e-mails from fake Viagra suppliers less offensive than linkedin invites.

3.) It’s a breakfast strip club. It’s called Rise And Grind. It’s… pretty terrible.

4.) If anyone murders someone with poison at an Outback Steakhouse, you damned well better use the headline “Doomin’ Onion”.

5.) Is there peppermint ribbon candy except bacon-flavoured yet? It seems like the internet would be on that.

6.) Pretend that you confuse the words “furry” and “Furby” in conversation.

7.) If my death is attributable in some way to a libertarian’s souped-up RC helicopter, please refer to me as a “droning victim”.

8.) The toy versions of that horrible cross-guard lightsabre from the new Star Wars look like sex toys with a safety function.

9.) Harry the Hat from “Cheers” was Judge Harry Stone, occasionally freaking out from stress and Mr. Hyding up in Boston.

10.) There are worse names for a movie about tent revivals than SATURDAY NIGHT FERVOR.

11.) At a video game convention, your pick-up line is “baby, God must’ve built you in Finecraft.”

12.) If someone tricks you into watching a German translation of “Never Gonna Give You Up”, you’ve just been Kaiser Rolled.

13.) Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty. Janet, if you’re a telemarketer trying to sound all chummy.

14.) If your porno parody of Back To The Future doesn’t include the line “1.21 Jigglewatts!” I don’t even know what to tell you.

15.) A gif of printouts of guitars going through a paper shredder.

16.) In the future, every wedding reception will have fifteen seconds of gif.

17.) The shamelessness with which smartphone ads encourage us to live in a constant state of rude distraction is fascinating.

18.) It is awesome that Ellen Page can walk the red carpet with her girlfriend! It is weird, tho, that her girlfriend is 7 feet taller than her.

19.) Detroit’s doing its damnedest to be Williamsburg Brooklyn. This is not a value judgement, might even be a smart move. Just an observation.

20.) Turn any rap into a square dance by saying “now promenade” after every second line.

21.) He’d never get the reference if you looked at Skywalker’s robot hand and were all like “Cool hand, Luke!”

22.) In food, salt is better at neutralizing bitterness than sugar is and so too in life. When being sweet doesn’t work, be salty!