813 in idea barrages

1.) Evil’s just a word one charlatan uses to undercut another. Selfishness is the real destroyer of worlds.

2.) 85% of Ben Carson’s support in polling is the senile answering phone polls assuming Johnny’s finally running for president.

3.) Always, always ALWAYS pretend that anyone wearing camo is invisible. “WHERE IS THAT VOICE COMING FROM?” “IS THIS PLACE HAUNTED?”

4.) The Trumpy Dance is your chance to be a dump, a human piece of dump.

5.) We are past Peak Irony and in a few scant years, the only thing we’ll be able to appreciate ironically at all is Phil Collins.

6.) You can be both deeply narcissistic about your perceived potential AND hate yourself for not achieving that potential. It’s hard work, tho!

7.) Making THE MAN FROM UNCLE about twenty years after its nostalgia window had passed is a great idea, said no one.

8.) He wasn’t just avoiding responsibilities, he was whipping up a veritable shirknado.

9.) Asked why all her computer logins were “kenny”, she simply said “I’m all right, don’t nobody worry ‘bout me.”

10.) 35% of the men you see at Canal Days will look like they could plausibly host a knife review channel on youtube.

11.) “Do you want to feel unemployable the same way OKCupid makes you feel ugly and unlovable? Try LinkedIn!”