five-day barrage in idea barrages

1.) Richard Gere plays a newspaper columnist haunted by a He-Man figure that can predict the future in THE MOSSMAN PROPHECIES.

2.) Make a jam out of bacon and real Kentucky bourbon, call it “KY Jelly” and the hipsters will beat a path to your door.

3.) I’ve developed such a tolerance to diphenhydramine you’d think I’m training to survive a Princess Bride style poisoning with it.

4.) If you’re gonna make a porn in Eastern Europe, at least call it “The Czech’s In The Male”.

5.) The next time someone says “Nice to meet you!” just respond with a firm “Yes.”

6.) He wanted to be the world’s most famous fat actor but in the end he was only going through a stage.

7.) STEP 1: act in movies that look so bad they’ll be cult classics. STEP 2: ask for a lot of money for the ironic sequels. STEP 3: PROFIT.

8.) Some day, I’ll be able to shoot down a bad horror flick with the simple review: “cool gory, bro.”

9.) I wonder if Santa just keeps pretending someone’s gonna steal Christmas as his gift to people who want to be heroic. Is it all a gentle con?

10.) When someone claims we can’t hold him accountable for crimes because “God forgave me” the whole scam reveals itself in full.

11.) The more respectable someone tries to look the more you know they’re deep down just the worst scum alive: e.g. every GOP candidate for prez.

12.) At least all these soccer officials are well-prepared for a second career running for the New York State Senate or Assembly.

13.) Every time you use radioactivity to analyze the function of your internal organs, you dye a little inside.

14.) She treated her assistants like gravel and dirt being, as they were, unpaved interns.

15.) A cast-iron statue of Matthew Broderick. A Ferrous Bueller.

16.) You’ll notice Donatello never was the one who showed interest in April. Women aren’t his thing. He does machines.

17.) In America, we have Grammar Nazis. In Germany, they have Nazi Grammas!

18.) If you ran on the platform of banning all children under 10 from planes, would everyone just concede to you? Could you be prez tomorrow?

19.) I have my father’s imagination and my mother’s tenacity and with those two things, I can do so much, just need one more break. I’m so close, I can taste it.

20.) Is there anything more right and more purely beautiful than freaking out the normals?

21.) Sometimes even terrible art has a deep genuine inspiration. Many Green Day songs come from an honest place, they’re still crap.

22.) We need a veterans administration for the class war.

23.) A great name for a band would be “Surder-Muicide”

24.) When people call their leggings “support hose” I like to imagine that they mean, like, spare prostitutes kept around in case of a real rush.

25.) I like to pretend that I think “poly-amorous” means something about having sex with parrots, if I can get away with it.

26.) What’s the difference between a furry & a Sega Genesis? One came with Sonic The Hedgehog & the other is a video game console.

27.) If Jesus ever does come back, hopefully it’ll be after the neologism “Nailed it!” is out of fashion. Because, you know. Awkward.

28.) I’m gonna run the only cut-rate bus service after the apocalypse. Call it Omega Bus. Have lots of barbed wire and turrets as flair.

29.) Can we start calling gay Republicans “frenemies of Dorothy”?

30.) We could probably get some socialists in elected office in Central New York, provided we called ourselves “The Utica Commies”.

31.) Somewhere in your 30s, the target shifts from “the most attractive person you know” to “someone who can put up with my madness”.

32.) “You’ve gone totally vegan?” she sputtered “no whey!”

33.) Whenever possible, pronounce “wi fi” as “wifey”.

34.) I’m an agnostic shaman. I can try to heal you of monsters I don’t think exist but I don’t think it’ll work. It COULD, though.

35.) when feeling pain the psychotic response is “everyone should feel this pain” the humane response is “no one should feel this pain” be humane

36.) I think “libary” is a better word for a bookplace anyway. Like a libation! Like getting drunk off books!

37.) I judge age on how people look not something silly like a calendar! Time is imaginary! Everything is!

38.) People erasing the past in hope it can prevent a future that makes them uncomfortable can go die in an explosion at an Amish meth lab.

39.) Whiteout the “D” in “Employees Must Wash Hands”. Stand in the bathroom dressed up German. Introduce yourself as Hans. Smile.

40.) Promote cervical cancer awareness via “Yo! MTV Paps!”

41.) Livin on a Prayer parody about playing double dare?

42.) Douche for goths. Same product, black bottle. “Summer’s Evil”.

43.) Sell horribly overpriced sweatshirts to terrorists in the hipster part of Tehran. Call it Unamerican Apparel. Get rich.

44.) Stepped off train, real estate office to the left, yoga studio to the right. Sign didn’t need to say Williamsburg. Already knew.

45.) A legitimate portmanteau for “lace shawls” is “LAWLS”.

46.) If you advertised as a dom in Utica people would just think you were a guy named Dominic who does odd jobs .”I need snow shoveled send Dom.”

47.) It’s your birthday in an Indian restaurant on the Lower East Side so they fire up the disco lights. Point goes to New York City.