55 in idea barrages

1.) What type of belt does Holier-Than-Thou Karate Champion have? HE DOESN’T KNOW, HE CAN’T SEE COLOUR.

2.) Even if hover cars were a thing, how would they be more cost effective than a wheeled car for Uncle Owen’s subsistence farm?

3.) “I lost my job and have to live on a cat’s tongue,” she said, “but hey… it’s rough all over.”

4.) Yeah today’s Star Wars day but tomorrow’s Drinking Liquor Straight From The Bottle Day. May the fifth be with you.

5.) The term for someone who obsessively edits Wikipedia is a “Wikipedophile”.

6.) He found “pastry deconstruction” too pretentious a term for what he did. He preferred to say he was involved in tort reform.

7.) I still giggle a little when I hear Watertown called “The Tug Plateau”. I must be twelve on the inside.

8.) My favourite character in any Batman/It mash-up is always Alfred Pennywise.

9.) Instead of referring to the delusional as a “tin hat” let us just call them “Mister Ghazi”. Mister Ben Ghazi.

10.) My favourite song from “Borgy and Bess” is definitely “Oh Lawd, You Will Be Assimilated”.

11.) Nothing like getting tagged for a sale from a friend’s hacked account. It’s like… facebook herpes!

12.) In the ‘90s, you could legitimately purchase Kermit The Pog and no one would think you were being ironic.

13.) There must be a comic out there about assassins in high school called “Trauma Queens” right?

14.) Sensitivity to people’s trigger warnings is important but, man, you gotta use it sparingly or else it’s just another way to silence debate.

15.) I see people still slavishly loyal to people ideas or businesses even after they savagely screwed them over & my heart breaks.

16.) To sum up the Mets ownership: “Arbclock is at war with Eastasia. No, Supertwo has always been at doubleplus war with Eastasia.”

17.) Hipsters, can you stop co-opting Cinco de Mayo? We could compromise and have wacky parties a few days later on Cinco de Ocho.

18.) Are you at the beach? Congratulations! You have a beach body!