410 in idea barrages

1.) If “synthesizer” was an ethnic group, “Who’s Gonna Drive You Home Tonight?” would count as a hate crime.

2.) I always feel bad when I overhear someone cornered by a crank because they’re too polite. It is like YouTube comments in person.

3.) Not nearly as many things are moral choices as you’d think. But nearly everything is an ethical choice to make.

4.) If “The Big Bang Theory” were about Long Island hair styles, it’d be a lot more bearable.

5.) Many of Willie Nelson’s songs sound like they’re juuuuuust abouuuut to turn into Christmas songs but never do. It’s weird!

6.) When the Frankenstein Corporation holds team-building exercises, they REALLY hold team-building exercises.

7.) Zero-zero-zero miles an hour on a dash cam looks like the word “OOOMPH” to a disturbing degree.

8.) I want to market a line of scrap-booking supplies called “Stamp Ons” just to see how long I could get away with it.

9.) All I’m saying is that they really missed an opportunity by not subtitling Wayne’s World 2 “The World According To Garth”.

10.) Let’s set hell on fire with a match made in heaven.

11.) Step 1: Call Memories Pizza. Step 2: Claim their crazy bread is actually possessed. Step 3: Offer to exorcise the crazy bread.

12.) He loves women who look like Donnie Most, he’s a total MALPH-hunter.

13.) “To Whom Is It Which We Are Referring When We Refer To The Boss?” Starring Anthony Danza.

14.) The collective of “geese” is “flock”. The collective of “emoji” is “idiocy”. An idiocy of emoji.

15.) The term “lapsed Catholic” underestimates the severity of the situation. I prefer “my Catholicism is in remission”.

16.) Blue corn chips are created by forcing normal corn chips to not have sex for a very long time.

17.) The other cheeses can’t stand the swiss cheese, it’s so holier than thou.

18.) If you are for some reason talking about a Three Stooge buttocks, you must call them “my lovely Larry lumps”.

19.) “It’s no longer enough to see a pornography star make pornography,” said the internet, “let her also photograph what she eats on instagram.”

20.) “If ifs and butts were candies and nuts, your butt would still be the sweetest.” is a weird pick-up line.

21.) Eventually, all of Spider-Man’s imperfect copies joined up to form an Insane Clone Posse.