36 in idea barrages

1.) Some day hipsters will come up here to live cheap. I look forward to people in Mumford & Sons shirts riding tractors ironically.

2.) You know how I’d drive the internet crazy? Make Edward Snowden the next Doctor Who.

3.) Given enough time, Axl Rose and Hulk Hogan are on a vector to eventually end up twins. I’m basically okay with this.

4.) “Wait, selfie sticks are REAL? I thought that was a joke, making fun of our self-obsession!” he Tweeted, begging for external validation.

5.) I’m not “jobless”. I’m “currently non-employment-conforming”.

6.) Moonshine is the original craft booze. Banjos are everywhere. The end-game of American hipsterism is being liberal rednecks.

7.) A conspiracy theory where we never went back to the moon because Alice Kramden was up there, chasing us off by force.

8.) “Your stereotypes are older than daguerreotypes” would be a great diss if people remembered daguerreotypes.

9.) A sexy lady from every ethnicity. A team of Harem Globetrotters, if you will.

10.) The girlfriend of a renaissance city guard who’s in the closet is called a “halbeard”.

11.) Twittering good enough for a few people to follow but bad enough where no one wants to steal my jokes is hard work, you guys.

12.) I can only dress two ways “on my way to comic book convention” or “on my way to mafia hit”. It is all my body allows.

13.) It’s the new frottage-based RPG. You grind experience through grinding experience. It’s… pretty terrible.

14.) I want to shorten tweets w/ the word “numbers” in them to “?#?s?” to save characters but it generates a false hashtag. Weird quirk.

15.) In the subset of early-to-mid 90s music superstars, Axl Rose is basically The Boy Who Lived, if you think about it.

16.) Your foodie band will be named either Durian Durian or if you’re more of a metal thing, Rolling Boil.

17.) An Annie alt-fic where she turns out to be the Tzarina Anastasia.

18.) I WANNA believe I’m single cuz of my weight but it’s ACTUALLY because I’m in the middle of nowhere & too broke to travel. (And a coward!)

19.) The older I get, the less San Diego Comicon/SXSW/Sundance as a non-VIP would be fun because screeeeeeeew standing in line.

20.) Had the Scottish Play had been about cat owners, the line woulda been “is this a kitty I see before me/the butthole to my face?”

21.) Chastity is better than being The Side Piece. No one deserves that. Well, maybe Hitler but he shouldn’t get sex at all.

22.) Cat & dog remain perplexed as to my use of computer. They look to me as if to say “Does it generate food somehow?”

23.) The major difference between chain letters and online memes is no threat of mystical curse.

24.) I feel like a cloud of almosts and maybes, virtual particles dancing at a singularity’s edge. Schrodinger’s something or other.