35 in idea barrages

1.) The end of IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE except instead of money, it’s everyone you ever crushed on telling you they liked you back.

2.) Can you imagine how great our country would be if we gave teachers the benefit of the doubt the way we do the police?

3.) A libertarian militia would be pretty harmless, they’d spend all their time arguing over who’s boss and what to name their crypto-currency.

4.) Jor-El dealt in krypto-currency.

5.) Anyone else wonder if a lot of MTV personalities ever existed at all, weren’t just collective delusions? I mean KENNEDY.

6.) Do you think casting directors ever bring up hiring Rob Lowe just so they can say “this looks like a Rob Lowe job” really fast and giggle?

7.) Not being able to get wet, the Wicked Witch of the West probably did full-body coconut oil pulls to clean herself like an ur-hipster.

8.) For Saint Patrick’s Day, I want a shirt that says “Kiss Me, I’m Engaged In Problematic Cultural Appropriation”.

9.) Mount Everest is covered in poop. There is nothing that rich white people trying to prove they’re tough can’t ruin.

10.) Life’s an infinite regression of trying to be less of a stupid jerk. Just keep cutting it in half, never completely eliminating it.

11.) At 10K hours, some jerk says you’ve mastered A Thing. At 25K tweets, they send you a seasonal depression lamp.

12.) Have so many ideas no one could steal them all. Many of the best will go nowhere, some of the worst will make you money. Just keep ideaing.

13.) Keep a list of all the people you pine for. Re-rank them twice a week like college basketball! Cry a lot.

14.) You know what would be cool on a gravestone? “Mike Cecconi: A Terrible Idea, Implemented To Perfection”.

15.) I don’t know what a Lady Antebellum is but I imagine it is like a country version of Lady Gaga who owns a lot of slaves.

16.) If they had both lived long enough, Philip Glass and Lou Reed were on a vector to eventually end up twins.

17.) Reese Witherspoon sounds like a butler a stock broker would make up & answer his phone as in a British accent to make himself seem richer.

18.) You know what would REALLY confuse hipsters’ irony processors? A Mumford and Sons hair-metal album. Billyburg would explode.

19.) They call it Hump Day/Pronounced with an Ump Day/Rappers In The Top 10 Stop Referencing That Ad If You Don’t Wanna Be Punched In The Mouth.

20.) Webinar looks a lot like Weimar so I tend to assume all teleconferences about synergizing web 2.0 crowdsourcing are about German history.

21.) Gentlemen. Unless you’re into other dudes or a time-traveler, your scarf just looks dorky. I have accepted my scarf looks dorky.

22.) In honor of our Bush/Clinton ‘16, Mayweather/Pacquiao, another rivalry that should’ve been settled, like, 20 years ago.

23.) I’m not fat. I’m just new and improved with 40% extra hunk.

24.) Bring on the “Age of Voltron” trailer parodies… now.

25.) The only argument that should involve Blink-182 is accusing others of being in Blink-182. “YOU’RE a crappy fratpoppunk!” “No, YOU are!”

26.) At times I overwhelm myself with minutiae rendering myself scatterbrained to squelch the flood of anxiety. It’s why Twitter feels so right.

27.) “I don’t care about [given injustice]” is just another way to say “I agree with this injustice but don’t wanna be called on it”.

28.) Early spring training: when even the guys who’ll only make it as bench players are pulled by like the 5th inning. Riveting.

29.) “The Mycroft Holmes of Pop Culture Ephemera” would be a great gig, were it an actual gig. That paid.

30.) My back procedure got moved up to Monday. This fixes some things and complicates some others.

31.) Turns out? Twitter verification is the Mark of The Beast from the Apocalypse of John. Yeah. Plot twist, right?

32.) Is there any word dumber than the way “swagger” is used these days? Blind confidence, even when unwarranted, is no virtue.

33.) What do you call a saucy cape, a tin can and purple pants? AVENGERS ENSEMBLE!

34.) If you look at Calvin’s mom in CALVIN AND HOBBES and think “hmmm…” you might have been single for too long.

35.) Whenever someone describes wine as “buttery”, I know that’s an imprecise metaphor but… how gross would THAT be?

36.) Every astronaut gets three attempts at pooping upwards that the other astronauts have to clean for them. It is Astronaut Law.

37.) Astronauts call early astronauts O.Z.G.s or “original zero-gangstas”.

38.) I’m so dreamy, I’m damn near comay.

39.) Astronauts slap palms as they leave the thermosphere. They call it “the highest five of all”.

40.) He did it all for the bookie/for the bookie/he bet too many cookies/now he might break his thumbs/now he might break his thumbs.