226 in idea barrages

1.) Step 1: go to sleep. Step 2: wake up having lost 100 lbs & having won the lotto. Step 3: go somewhere warm & find someone to love. A plan!

2.) See, being taken down a peg when you have to be by someone who loves and supports you completely, otherwise, when you’re not being a crazy ass, that’s the good stuff. But in a vacuum, just being taken down those pegs at random, it hurts. I’ll admit it.

3.) While we pat ourselves on the back for net neutrality and stopping Keystone, there are people being tortured in police blacksites right now. If Chicago police have blacksites for racially-motivated torture, can you even imagine what the NYPD & LAPD have? Or, Christ, Boston?

4.) Money will ruin all of our legacies. The luckiest merely get to die first and have money ruin their legacy through the actions of desperate relations, like Yoko selling “Instant Karma” to Nike so they could push shoes made by Taiwanese orphans.

5.) Announce your wedding by shooting sleeping darts at your friends w/ blowguns. When they awake they’ll read a dart that says “SAVE THE DART!”

6.) Gategate is not about ethics in fence-technology journalism.

7.) Boxer shorts with “+4 Charisma” written across the front.

8.) It’s about an Army rabbi who battles terrorism with only his mohel tools. It’s called AMERICAN SNIPPER. It’s… pretty terrible.

9.) How long is Ben Stein gonna get a pass for being the mouthpiece for some of history’s greatest monsters for saying “Bueller” funny?

10.) You’ll be able to fund me so as to piss off people who find me annoying. It will be called Hatereon. It will be AMAZING.

11.) You know what hipsters would love? A Henry Winkler-endorsed craft beer called Fonzie’s I.P.Ayyyyyyyyyyye.

12.) Truth? Fiction? There is nothing stranger than friction and that’s why it’s the best.

13.) Get so rich you can buy the Skeleton Man’s elephant.

14.) “Use the advantage of your personal perspective, where appropriate” is a much better version of “write what you know”.

15.) A parody of The Foo Fighters’ BIG ME about the dangers of handling raw meat?

16.) I am working on novels about the Bigfoot and time-travel but even I cannot imagine a world where I care what Madonna is up to.

17.) Live Flask, Die Drunk.

18.) I have realized Geico has so many mascots because they’re building toward a crossover movie like THE AVENGERS of Terrible Ads.

19.) Next time you order a steak say “well-done, please, the only thing I eat raw is a laaaaaaaaady”. See how they react.