225 in idea barrages

1.) Step One: purchase the domain name “ismarkiepoststillhot.com”… Step Two: ??? … Step Three: PROFIT.

2.) We’re changing the title of the Obituaries section to Thanks For Rockin’ in hopes of a less formal death notification experience.

3.) THEY PAY ME IF YOU COME would be the greatest name for a documentary about the nitty gritty business of stand-up comedy ever.

4.) You put the “star” in “nihilist arbys”.

5.) A suffocation-themed cereal where a cartoon tries to eat enough to stop the room from filling with cereal called BERRIED ALIVE.

6.) Dunkin Donuts brought this winter curse on Boston by pretending Coolata is a word. Call it “coffee shake” and spring will come.

7.) Now whenever I see Michael Caine in a movie I think “I can’t believe it’s not butler”.

8.) Love is unconditional support for your dreams & unconditionally being called on your bullcrap simultaneously. I miss giving & receiving it.

9.) YouTube’s Law: If a viral video would be a lot less interesting if it turns out it was staged, it turns out was staged.

10.) Hire 25 people to cross Milla Jovovich’s path in a day & each tell her separately “I loved you as Fifth Element in Fifth Element!”

11.) Hire 25 people to cross Meatloaf’s path in a day & each tell him separately “I love you, Mister Loaf!”

12.) Hire 25 people to cross Eminem’s path in a day & each tell him separately “I love you, Marky-Mark!”

13.) My favourite version of Deadpool would be 1950s television father Deadpool. Dadpool, if you will.

14.) Removing commas from the chorus to classic-rock hit CENTERFIELD makes it a song about him wanting to have sex with the coach.

15.) Give out free stuff today, stores of the Northeast, really mess with us about the fact it is too cold to do anything than weep softly.

16.) What would be GREAT about being super-rich would be producing fan-films with A-list talent just to be a goof.

17.) Even the least-serialized sitcoms seem to have these maudlin finales. Seinfeld’s end wasn’t the hero we wanted, it was the hero we deserved!

18.) The International Spy Museum shouldn’t be that easy to find.

19.) Waltorgo White in BREAKING MANOS.

20.) I say if you were good at sports you’re LESS likely to know who’s good because you’re keyed into how YOU would’a done given sports thing.

21.) It’s a radical new work-out called Yoloflex. Someone says internet acronyms out-loud and you punch them until you can’t punch anymore.

22.) When I am pleased with the dog, his nickname is “Barklejuice” though I fear he does not understand the reference.

23.) Nothing says the 21st century like framing a crass grab at free money as an absurdist art experiment. Probably on kickstarter?

24.) I am glad the Slaughterhouse-5 movie was a dud because I don’t wanna see a porno parody called Bathhouse Five.

25.) Sex fantasies aren’t just about sex. If ALL you want is Tab P in Slot V, you can find It. I dream of someone smart & fun for before & after.

26.) Oh sure, you can be attractive by being “conventionally handsome” and “physically fit” but you know me. I thrive on challenge.

27.) Sure, you can be attractive by being “gainfully employed” & “not slave to an overactive imagination” but I THRIVE on challenge!

28.) Start a health food warehouse store called Big Naturals. Spend the rest of your life giggling.

29.) Regroup. Reboot. Re-evaluate. Reject all expectations, bad and good, they’re two sides of the sucker bet “faith”. Hope, instead. Like the runaway truck careening toward that school bus, I can turn this around, just need two or three more breaks.

30.) Shuttling passengers from Tatooine to the core worlds in the Millennium Falcon was, at first, just another Outer Rim job.

31.) Whenever gangsters call each other “mugs” in old cartoons, pretend they are REALLY into Harry Potter & mean “muggles”.

32.) Facebook is a central clearinghouse for people who don’t understand you’re making a joke so they explain a current event to you.

33.) If you pole dance to accordion and tuba, you are pole dancing and Pole dancing at once. You are META POLE DANCING.

34.) Being the best at Twitter is like being best at twiddling your thumbs: there’s no money in it and very few people will care.

35.) Slay the dragon of respectability. Respectable people maintain the horrible status quo. Disreputable freaks make things better.

36.) He only took the name Rick Flair because Rick Knife-Edge-Chop-To-The-Chest was already taken by a respected plastic surgeon.

37.) If you wear a C-Pap mask & mouthguard to sleep, you’ll never be a good public speaker in your dreams as you’ll feel that stuff in your face.

38.) When you say “jump jump” I ask “how Daddy Mack’ll make ya the Mack Dad’ll make ya high?”

39.) What’s MLB Commissioner Manfred’s position on being blinded by the light? Does he support a 50 game ban on runners in the night?

40.) Television chefs have too much thyme on their hands.

41.) Yes, my best is all behind me. I have a great butt.

42.) One of the lamest tricks the devil ever pulled was yanking a quarter out of Billy’s ear. We totally saw it sticking out of his palm before.

43.) “Getting a follow from Terhauser Gates. All these moments will be lost like… tweets… in the live-feed. Time… to subtweet.”

44.) REAL TALK: Deckard’s closing voiceover is BETTER w/ Ford so clearly disinterested in ADRing it. Makes Deckard sound completely exhausted!

45.) “Maybe Penny Lane’s better for a parody about Lois Lane than Mary Jane’s Last Dance” is an actual thought that happened in my head.

46.) If Gabriel Iglesias offers you a “Fluffy doll”, whether he means a toy of him or a sex euphemism, either way it is horrifying.