the best/worst barrage of all time in idea barrages

…OR THE ARTIST’S DECLINE INTO MADNESS…

1.) The ‘15 Oscars lasted so goddamn long that at the end they started the ‘16 Oscars. NO MORE TIME TO MAKE MOVIES, JUST OSCARS.

2.) We’ll be The Experts. We’ll hire ourselves out as experts at anything, even things we know nothing of. ESPECIALLY things we know nothing of.

3.) As long as American Sniper lost so we could watch the racist chickenhawks be butthurt for a week, haven’t we really ALL won?

4.) We’re only 10 months away from being disappointed by Star Wars again!

5.) If you get into your thirties as a white man, your beatboxing can ruin anything. It is one of my Old Man Powers.

6.) The internet is now full with pictures of women looking “goofy unsexy” in a way they actually know are way sexy. It cannot fit any more.

7.) I will say, though, that John Travolta is really going method for his upcoming role as a melting wax statue of Ronald Reagan.

8.) Think of a thing you couldn’t make creepy by adding a Frank Gorshin Riddler laugh at the end. YOU CAN’T.

9.) If you wore the THEY LIVE glasses to The Oscars, what percentage do you think would be zombie monsters? 97%? 98%?

10.) I am all for anything that gets me attention that doesn’t get me arrested.

11.) You know what we’ve never had? A coup or full-blown revolution during an Olympics or World Cup. That would entertain me.

12.) In many many many years when I die, do a roast of me. Like a Comedy Central Roast (TM) except funny.

13.) When you make peace with the fact that people aren’t here just to try & impress you the possibility of understanding them is suddenly there.

14.) Just like a pope to bring a wife to a nun fight.

15.) I want to go to Target or Best Buy and yell “I CAN’T TELL IF I’M IN TARGET OR BEST BUY, I’M COLOUR BLIND!”

16.) Like, a beat-em-up video game except you have to attend the funeral of every henchman you kill and watch his family grieve.

17.) If there were invincible people, they wouldn’t fight crime. They’d start a much better version of JACKASS & become millionaires.

18.) The best part of Inspector Gadget was realizing he only played dumb because he was also Dr. Claw and doing this all to kill the boredom.

19.) SPICE WORLD wasn’t a DUNE sequel? RIP-OFF! RIP-OFF! RiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiP-OffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffFF!

20.) Only amoungst the nerdiest is “hey baby, wanna see my Expanded Universe?” considered a proper come-on.

21.) You can live-tweet awards shows & that’s fine as it goes but live-tweeting insomnia is REALLY where social networking is at.

22.) Aquaman’s car speakers have the very best bass.

23.) In debates of art, no one is correct. Except for me. If I say it is bad, I am correct.

24.) Any time someone complains, say “I will fix it… with my penis!” Even if you are a woman. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE A WOMAN.

25.) To the time travelers who keep undermining me, will I even remember this?

26.) PROVEN: being the slightly-less-evil pope does not make you the good pope because the baseline evil of popeness is so so deep.

27.) In Soviet Russia, Oscars live-tweet you… and it is equally banal.

28.) Cyberforce is still a comic? I thought even the NINETIES were ashamed of that one. Are all of the characters named “Radical”?

29.) The perfect isn’t just the enemy of the good. The perfect is the enemy of even a whit of joy in your life. And yet, that bastard beckons.

30.) The Prequels need to be understood through the prism of the fact that Yoda was retelling them to Luke as high as balls, after 20 years of sitting on Dagohbah licking his wounds from The Empire winning, just high as balls. Giggling, flipping words, having rages, getting the munchies, just high as balls. Of course he gets the broad strokes right and fills the details with lies about “midichlorians” and idiot children and clumsy lizard bunnies, Yoda has spent 20 years sulking in the middle of nowhere as HIGH as BALLS.

31.) Oh Nigella Lawson, you ARE my comfort food.

32.) We ARE Social Justice Warrrrrrrrrrrrrrioooooors and we ARE ready to come out and plaaaaaay-ay-ay!

33.) We are being made dependent on fossil fuels past the point of environmental no-return JUST so investors can make money now. No other reason.

34.) “Having a weird twitter w/ only 500 followers is a lot like being Cassandra of myth,” he thought having finally gone mad w/ self-absorption.

35.) Trump hates a non-white being prez SO MUCH, can you imagine how much A WOMAN would bug him? Vote Hilary for this reason ALONE.

36.) 5 hours of flogging & pillorying the people behind the TRANSFORMERS movies on a billion televisions would’ve done a lot more for film.

37.) British, we Americans will teach you how to pronounce Mexican foods if you’ll stop calling mothers “mummy” as it collectively unnerves us.

38.) I love how British TV chefs at least apologize for not being the ethnicity of their cuisine. Americans presume their cultural appropriation.