16 in idea barrages

1.) The greatest pop-culture reference of all time would be to insult a scientist who looks like a caveman by calling him “Eegah Spengler”.

2.) It’s an investment strategy built upon the long-term growth of horrifying video game fan-fiction. It’s called Sonic The Hedgefund. It’s… pretty terrible.

3.) I don’t know what “Galavant” is but the fact that it seems to star The Burger KIng means that I don’t want to know.

4.) These “declarations of rights” paragraphs everyone pastes in facebook are slightly less legally binding than wishing on a star. “I, Joe Gullible, as of date time, declare that everything I put on facebook belongs to me not facebook, somehow, via magic.” Seriously. If I were a scammer, I’d write a script locating people who post the facebook rights declaration to up my odds of finding a mark.

5.) It’s a maximum security correctional facility entirely staffed by clones of John Malkovich. It’s called Malkatraz. It’s… pretty terrible.

6.) Only Douglas Adams can be called “Douglas”. Everyone else, you’re just “Doug” now. I don’t know why but it FEELS right.

7.) Alan Arkin and Ellen Barkin went on a lark to a carpark darkened. ?#?moderntonguetwisters?

8.) To this day, Cookie Monster still has nomnomnomnomnomnom flashbacks.

9.) You’ll know they’re part of the conspiracy to ruin cookies if you hear them whisper to each other “hail hydrox”.

10.) My inner 12-year-old still giggles whenever someone calls their video game controller a “d-pad”.

11.) The situation “comedy” Big Bang Theory is actually a vast conspiracy to put ipecac producers out of business.

12.) Anything that’s not supposed to have people teeth, when you give it people teeth, instant horror. Instant.

13.) “I wanna rock and roll all night then sleep the rest of the day” is the thirties version of that song.

14.) Rock and roll is alive and well on local stages despite the mainstream giving up on it for whatever the hell a taylorswift is.

15.) America: a bunch of broke people focused only on making it a great place to be rich, just in case they ever knock off a bank.

16.) My parents express their love for each other most vividly through their care for each others’ pets. It is weird but adorable.

17.) Call me a romantic but this’s the first time I’ve found the Valentine candy display in the drugstore, like, actively depressing.

18.) “What do you think I could get Dad for his birthday?” “You could get a nice haircut!” - the legendary tenacity of my mom

19.) Sometimes it feels like the only goal of certain elements of Arizona’s government only exist to try and out-crazy Texas.