barroxing day in idea barrages

1.) Coffee’s more like sex than pizza. Yes, bad’s better than none but you also sometimes need the nasty strong stuff to get up in the morning.

2.) Philadelphia airport on Christmas is like… the last high end mall trying to stick to its business model at the beginning of Mad Max times.

3.) When I am gone, Judas, the poor will still be here. Today, I’m spending 15 bucks on pretzels and a massage chair in an airport.

4.) Also, million dollar idea: a tattooist and massuese combo deal, calming the easel while the needle does its work.

5.) Your punk band will be called Gacy Kasem. You don’t have to thank me, just cut me in on the merch.

6.) You’d think this kid getting air sick would make his mom less attractive to me. That is, if you didn’t know me at all.

7.) No, of course I look the platonic ideal of sloth, eating fast food in a massage chair in an airport staffed entirely with cute women. Sure.

8.) You all worry about “drunk dialing” I worry about “maudlin from travel exhaustion dialing” so I am hiding the phone.

9.) The best part of traveling on Christmas was no risk of exposure to the 24 hour CHRISTMAS STORY marathon.

10.) Remember, George Bailey The Martyr of Bedford Falls saved the town largely via the help of someone who got out of town and succeeded.

11.) Do not disregard your ability to be mythic. They’ve stolen it from you so they can keep up their profitable charade. Take it back.

12.) You’ll shapeshift in each others arms & love until every star in the sky dies & a little bit after that if you stop believing that you can’t.

13.) Tomorrow, hit on a fundamentalist Christian by asking to see her Chick tract.

14.) The secret is that we are all, regardless of gender sexuality or any other false dichotomy, terrible wonderful secrets.