nov 7 in idea barrages

Ewan McGregor is cast in a Tarzan bio-pic and meets Tarzan himself as part of his research. “Mr. McGregor, me Tarzan.” “Please. Just Ewan.” “Just Ewan, me Tarzan.” “Just me and you what?” It quickly devolves into a Who’s On First routine.

Wandering forest waifs bid for seemingly-abandoned bear homes, hoping that they will contain treasures or at least a meal and a good meal in the new hit reality competition show PORRIDGE WARS.

People say that Taco Bell lazily reuse the same seven ingredients remixed endlessly but, man, a Pizza Hut “melt” is just a really big slice of za folded over itself into the poorest man’s calzone ever. They folded over a double slice and called it a new thing. That’s ballsy!

Why call it “a cowboy hat and chaps” when you can call it “ranch dressing”?

Exams at hairdresser school are all about style points.

I can basically only seduce through laughter, it’s all I got, I’m not smooth, I’m not conventionally attractive, but if a lady can be reached through her sense of humour, my funnilingus game is strong.

Your Star Trek porno parody stage name is now Zefram Cockring.

In a world where student loans exist, how could we possibly be afraid of ghosts? We are all daily harassed by strangers from the other side of the world because of a decision we made at 17, what’s a ghost gonna do, sneeze on our avocado toast?