I did that... in Walking away and into the New

Yeah. I didn’t handle that well at all with all the filling in the blanks that my mind was doing. I left a goodbye message to A. 3 days I thought was enough time to give someone to contact me back after we had regularly been talking for a while. I’m proud of myself for waiting that long…but I was too hasty and ended up reacting. He finally got back to me after I deleted him off of my Facebook. I guess he was recovering from his project over the long weekend. And I KNOW that as a person who dated someone with ADHD…but at the same time, the emotional pain trumped empathy and knowing. So I may have screwed up everything.

Then with Z…I guess I was being harsh last night in my state of emotional pain. The message was that I’m not good enough…and that triggered me to my soul. So I apologized and we’ll see what happens.

Then I’m walking in the nature center and it came to me that I haven’t let go and let God or prayed in a long time. Here I am in my physical world suit and partial lizard brain and overflowing backpack of karma…and I’m looking for signs and such, but it’s not the same. The universe has everyone’s best interests in mind and I need to hand it over. I don’t have to put all the weight of a decision on me…and this is part of my new moon wishes…to release all anxiety related to Z…and I guess A too.

I guess I’ve accomplished my therapy assignment of showing real sides of me that I usually conceal. Nothing like an abandonment would to elicit that. Yuck. But I get it because it’s now just recent…
It’s waiting days for Scott to come home after he stood me up for Valentine’s Day and wasn’t answering me. Then sneaking in…forcing me while he’s under the influence and me being afraid to get up and leave for work because he may not be there when I get back…

It’s T just stopping for no reason for days and even a week one without explanation or taking my calls/messages.

It’s dad just leaving one day without contact…nobody knew where he was…and he was harassing mom and having the neighbors spy on us.

So many more. This is one wound that’s by far very, very, very unhealed. And if I’m discarded for that…or for being sharp because of the message conveyed from them causing hurt to me, then I guess I’m not worth it. I need to let it go…let them go…and let God influence things.

It’s so weird but after A contacted me back, my back of neck pain reduced quite a bit…because I feel more emotionally supported? Even though I was in the process of completely cutting him out of my life? I even cut chords. It’s just a mess.

Tomorrow is luteal phase testing and I hope we can use results to get to the bottom of this. Today someone assessed with folic acid deficiency that was causing so many of my experienced symptoms including severe shortness of breath. I guess caffeine makes the deficiency worse…which makes so much sense.

positives:
A didn’t intentionally ghost me
brushing Hershey
great session
saw a couple swans, egrets, two turtles, 3 squirrels, and a chipmunk
listening to the Roxette song on the way to my meeting

999-why?
Goal: pray more…really I just have to.
Please be okay…
I’m sorry :(

love