Heavy in Walking away and into the New

That’s how the energy feels right now with Mercury Retrograde, days maybe hours before shedding, and before the first quarter moon in my sign. My thoughts went to dark things today like not wanting to be here…wanting to fast forward to my end. About how I’ll feel when mom isn’t here :( About how it will feel if Z leaves…about aging and feeling out of control about that…about all my unsolved issues. So much.

Mom encouraged me to stop thinking about the future and just enjoy what/who is here…especially with Z. Whether he stays or goes, there’s no guarantee that we’ll even workout…but we’re still making memories. We’re still supporting each other…we’re still learning and growing and healing and NONE of that is a waste. If there something/someone else I’m supposed to run into…let divine timing take it’s course. The fear of missing out has never brought good things in my life. Someday though…a guy will take care of me for once…pay for things…protect me… all of that. If it’s not Z now…I just need to let that be okay. But the universe will have its say anyway.

Building self-worth:
helping mom with her pets and listening to her

after a very very very disappointing class where I was so uncoordinated with another instructor, my brain and body got it together at my regular one…I was on point.
making a new recipe

going to the park to swing on the chair swing like I was motivated to do…and even though that’s where the sadness came up, I listened to my instincts

being kind to Z…being his cheer leader

picking up the plastic and other things that are harmful to the animals whenever I walk to the gym and back

trying to see the good in myself outside of my appearance…if it’s going to start to fade…I need to keep it together

I wonder if Mandy will always be youthful in appearance?
T created a scene last time and it was pretty intense with commands, hands tied in back with a belt, face down on the bedspread, hair pulled.... We took time to cuddle afterwards. It felt right. Some things are missing outside of this…even with this…but I don’t want to focus on that.

Found out today that we’re both enneagram 6’s. Mom is a 6…but I’ve never dated one. I find that we flex when the other is in WCS thought streams so maybe it’s possible to work through things together?

Just stay present. Be grateful. Let the universe take the reins.

Hey, it’s okay…
love