Insecure in Walking away and into the New

Woke up and some part of me thinks that all is and has been moving too fast. All of it. Since T…and now up until Z. It doesn’t agree and thinks everything could have waited and been more planned out. Then guilt. Then insecurity.

I need to learn how to be in my body all the time but especially around men. Would that mean all my parts would be present? Who is this aloof person that takes over and is always buzzing with nervousness? I don’t want to be her. She puts us in some really bad spots. She’s so afraid to slow down and to think or feel. What even is that? Then I worry that he lost respect for me…and put myself down for being so kind giving him gifts like mom tends to give…super meaningful. Then I want to feel even closer…then I want to push him away out of embarrassment.

I need to have these conversations with him but I’m afraid to. I can’t talk about taboo topics but not enough money…not about expectations? And it’s still moving forward.....and just stop :(

I miss how T could slow me down and make me feel safe. Did Scott ever make me feel that way? How about Ron? How can I even judge that if they’re all abusers? But he did :( He helped me breathe and was fully present with me…and I can’t really do that on my own. Maybe this is all wrong?

Either way, the universe connected me to a nurturing male energy but nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. I don’t even know what to make of it. Then there’s the other part that is looking for what I know…and they are at odds again.

I miss A. I will never have a turtle experience with someone else like I did with him the first time we met. I still can’t believe what happened. M says I have nothing to blame myself for but it hurts.

How do I slow this down when parts of me continue to speed it up? I need to learn patience…how to help them pace…how not to react when I feel uncomfortable. Maybe N was supposed to workout. His energy felt low…but maybe it’s what I needed too? I don’t know :(

Just get through today. Walk with K.
Just don’t make anything worse.
I feel ill about everything. I feel like I’m doing things that cause people to not respect me. I feel like who I am right after my trauma all over again. Like every guy is Ron and I’m that stupid naaive 14-year-old who just needs a healthy emotional male connection. I don’t know who Z is…haven’t really traced his energies. Virgo…(Scott’s sign)…INTB (like Brennan)…I don’t know what else… and yet we’re this close? This is all wrong.

Emily, I guess you can’t trust me :(
Mandy…that was so kind yesterday but he’s not your b/f and you don’t have to be a “good girl” to him even if the urge is there.
Veronica: if you keep pushing for that type of connection, we’re really really going to end up getting worse
Sarabeth: please calm down with the mental activity
Regina: I hear you loud and clear and recognize I continue to sabotage

Just sad. Why can’t this all come together?
I’m sorry :(