july 9 in idea barrages

I now want a story where Columbo is the man who sent Hannibal Lechter to prison and, like, Hannibal wasn’t even mad, he saw through Columbo’s playing-dumb act in the first two minutes he met him and, like, game respects game.

Why say “representing yourself instead of having a lawyer” and you can just say “hearing-impaired”?

I’ll never get over the people who demand we “respect the flag!” and then paint a big ugly blue stripe on them, LITERALLY the largest violation of American flag code I learned in my three months of Boy Scouts, because they like worshiping the idea of authority figures. It’s wild.

Man, I miss fountain drinks in waxed paper cups. There was just something joyously tactile about them. Clear plastic everything just lacks a certain human touch.

Does Bruce Wayne home-school Robin? If he does, I hope he trolls him all the time in the test answers, to make fun of his dumb catchphrase. Like every fifth answer is “Holy Roman Empire” just to pressure him into cutting it out with the quips.

Also also: the name “Hannibal Lecter” has the exact same rhythm as “Eleanor Rigby” but no one has done anything with this clearly important information.

Playing a Bard in a Curse of Strahd campaign, just so you can get to a sequence where you can say you’re “Buffing The Vampire Slayer”.

If I was better at impressions I’d do a bit called SEINFELD TRIES TO UNDERSTAND where he attempts to figure out a comedy world that passed him by, with the tools of a 90s hack. “WHAT’S the DEAL with comedy as social COMMENTARY? Haven’t these people TASTED AIRPLANE FOOD?”