That happened in Walking away and into the New

Yesterday I was invited to my guy friends home. The plan was to work on a puzzle together and maybe hang out by the pool at his apartment. I know there was a little flirting here and there, but he made it clear we were strictly friends. Met his cat. He showed me his collectibles. Worked on the puzzle with a movie in the background. Took a break from the puzzle and he starts rubbing my thighs. I froze. I got stupid and aloof…fawn. It got a bit further but the turning point was when I asked it to stop and he said to stand up because he kind of had me on/near him and he turns me around and starts unbuttoning my shorts…Kara came out and stopped it all. Before that last part, I told him about my confusion about what was happening vs. what he said…I guess he wants “this” to progress to a LTR maybe. I told him it was out of order for me and that if this didn’t happen, wouldn’t we lose our friendship. “I guess so.” And it was all wrong with tempo of anything he was trying to do…and he smelt like slight BO…and I remember picturing myself leaving but not wanting to mess up our connection. But I did. Packed up the unfinished puzzle. He told me to go through X door “next time.” I cried in my car. He had told me I was being pretty flirty…and in hind sight, my shirt kept coming down in the front a little and even though I had an undershirt, it still showed more than I should have shown around a friend. I get hand holding and back rubbing…but you paralyze someone practically when you start rubbing on/near sensitive areas.

And now, goodbye. Hello…then a strong connection…then goodbye :( I didn’t know what to say and so I didn’t say anything. Beating myself up for assuming I could be friends with a guy. But he was like my twin because we were both INFJs and have so so so much in common. But now there’s no going back. How can there be repair? I feel disrespected…like he thought/things I’m loose. Then what happened with Z the night before…I can’t trust guys. Now what?

Dream was about a coyote/dog and a rabbit in a school setting coming in from a storm.

116.5 yesterday and I danced twice this weekend. I just love the challenge of the choreography.

Positives:
Meal prepping was effective
Z’s audio messages and our open communication…but why? Why to him…Why to the universe?
the color mint green
happy memories of A :( :) :(
being in my home compared to the dark places other people seem to live in mostly with the newer apartments
banana bread

taught Z gratitude and looking forward to things
K universe…what now?

I didn’t pay attention to the 911’s did I?
Maybe this is all my fault? But don’t shut down right?

To look forward to: The gym?
love