3 AM...You're on my mind once again... in Walking away and into the New

That’s the song in my head by Mandy Moore. It’s true. Total rumination regarding Z and somehow knowing/WiseMind/intuition entered. I know it’s that because I feel the energy surges and I have left eye teats and my body physically is processing energy. I know it because my spiritual team likely just met with me and I woke up after that. I know it because this is NI energy.

Knowing says that there are parallels and continuances regarding Z and I. I asked about how I will feel when I meet him again tonight and pulled the Devil and the Magician cards. Devil is the unconscious mind and and the Magician is the conscious mind. Pulling them both is about needing to create the reality we want. In another card draw, I asked how I would resolve this unresolved energy and pulled the heirophant. To me, that’s Bobby…but really, he tells me what I already know whether it’s conscious or not. The heirophant is my higher self/knowing…etc.

The themes:
I want to save the day. The ex that ruined his life…sleeping on a mattress on the floor. He lives S while I want to live closer to mom and volunteering maybe. We both have fears of abandonment. It’s not adding up because my ego and soul don’t agree on what is ideal I think. Taking away all the labels, maybe Z and I could be play partners that are friends. Isn’t that where T and I left off? Z almost checks all my boxes…but my lower self created the list and the feeling and knowing piece is what is not there.

Enter in S my neighbor ENFP who was part of the plan to help me in this place…and has some remaining positive growth energy for me but it’s not romantic. I’m a positive influence in his life as well. Enter A INFJ and it’s like I’m building trust and healthy respect or something…with some things in common…but just friends. Z is the sexual energy…but Emily also likes him…and I respect him…and I think this is friends too but in a different form. I think I have three different types of male energies in my life…male friends....because that’s where I’m at in my healing. Ultimately finding a way to synthesize them would maybe lead to life partner energy.

N who didn’t workout…also ENFP…was a grounded ENFP energy with Taurus as his sun. It didn’t workout…but it felt right in the beginning…the energies are swirling and not able to land yet. That’s how it feels or at least that’s what the experience seems to be.

So today, I’m going to be supportive to Z about his appointment and be honest I think about this epiphany (which really is me getting out of my own way).

Also,
Dad telling me he knows he has undiagnosed ADHD an ASD helps me understand why T came into my life with those details. I truly understand why dad and mom didn’t workout and why it was for the best. I guess I’m in the process of forgiving the empty promises and all the disappointments and the insecure base in which I had to plant from that messed it all up. I understand now why I’m drawn to very intelligent and somewhat offbeat men.

So what now. Three guys with leftover but also newer energies? Different but the same. I need to let the universe create based off of my experiences of the presented energies.

And getting out of the self focused side of things, who am I to these guys? I’m in their lives for strong reasons as well. I want to continue to be whatever is positive in that to them for as long as they are here. And as I’ve been saying…I need to let my life partner find me and let the universe give me strong signs.

With Hershey, I wrote my list down…but I ended up revising and accepting…and trusting my heart…and he’s been the best kitty :)

I inadvertently was led to Rex, which rose me above my self-hatred…

Knowing comes out at the end of the moon cycle. I know this… the rest is a journey and a learning experience and indicators of change that needs to be made.

Now what?
love