This is playing out... in Walking away and into the New

Last quarter moon is tomorrow and while I didn’t necessarily have new moon wishes this month, I think I made it pretty clear that moving forward into male friendship/more was clear to the universe.

Z delayed our get together because of family news and then ended up cancelling with me yesterday night to rush to be with his family because of a family emergency. I was pretty shocked for him…and about the abrupt change in plans. No 555 as a warning or anything. But…was supportive and found myself at yoga after dropping the net off with the neighbor. No hair tie so I looked like this wannabe hot chick doing tree poses and whatnot. Laughing at myself and just being around people helped me ease back into the night. Had some extra time with the change of plans, so reached out to my neighbor because my answer was usually no with his invites. Ended up going upstairs talking about his prep for the next day with his new job…his experience going back to the gym… and of course spending a lot of time with S’s puppy. At one point, he had to let her back into his place and wanted to show me the state of his apartment since we had talked about how he was struggling with keeping it up. There I was ready to pick up trash for a stranger way back into the area and he asks if he can kiss me. “Nooooooooo” was my response. Ended up consoling him and really just surviving the rest out on the balcony. I was clear that I only wanted to be friends with him.

I dissociated in that moment if I think about it and my parts came out in their own ways about it. Mandy is looking back and processing how she didn’t fawn at that time. Kara is making me not respond to his messages because she has lost respect for him and has made him a threat. Sara is sad because we had plans to really embrace this city and get me out of my comfort zone. Sarabeth really liked the conversations…and Emily is once again sad that we may not interact with his dog again.

Z is heading back tomorrow. A and I are friends and it will stay at that.
With Z, if it doesn’t go well on Saturday…I can’t really do anything. Not a lifestyle connection or LTR kind of thing. The energy will lay as it will. Did I not feel comfortable because of his energy…or because he’s not T?

Sadness today and I think it’s because energy is leaving.

Presented at our staff meeting today and received glowing remarks. That felt good :)

What will the last quarter bring tomorrow? It’s in Taurus so something on the physical plane.

This weekend, I need to try to cook like we used to at the last apartment even if it’s just me. At least one dish regardless of the anxiety and stress about it. I also need to find something to read and of course get out in nature.

On Saturday, I need to pay attention for the signs and ask for them. No matter how well it’s going, if there’s 999, 666, or 911…I just can’t. If I feel ill in his presence, that’s a no… and if something else happens that interferes with timing…it will be pretty clear.

Dear mama duck, if you passed on, please know that your babies are safe. We weren’t trying to hurt you or them and we tried to keep you together, but you were injured and couldn’t make it across the street and the babies wouldn’t have survived with you injured like that. If you’re still around and I see you, I’ll try to reunite you with your ducklings. Breaks my heart but we really tried :(

Emily, it’s going to be okay.
love