1021 in idea barrages

1.) The hardest regrets are the take-backs you could still take-back except it’d blow the whole game if you failed. Those linger.

2.) Art schools don’t hold proms. They hold smock hops.

3.) The platonic ideal in terms of naming a chiptune or nerdcore band would be “Lion-O Richie”. I’ve done the math on this. It is rock solid.

4.) That time I was in the same room with Batman, when he looked oddly like a hastily repainted Superman robot, that proves I’m not Batman.

5.) A bumper sticker to sell to lawyers: PROSECUTORS DO IT WITH CONVICTION.

6.) It is important that you do a mash-up of Beck’s “Golden Years” and The Allman Brothers’ “Melissa”. It is IMPORTANT.

7.) Those aren’t bat-shaped boomerangs, I just have an extensive collection of avant-garde pizza cutters is all, I’m not Batman.

8.) It is imperative that you mash-up Zevon’s “Poor Poor Pitiful Me” with the Beatles “It’s All Too Much”. IMPERATIVE.

9.) You can’t set sail on an MS-DOS schooner without a sea prompt.

10.) Whenever I use antiquated hip-hop jargon, I write it in the voice of Kelsey Grammer. It is one of the many ways I am the best thing ever.

11.) I’m just saying, re-enacting Se7en with Muppets would reinvigorate the Cookie Monster’s careeer.

12.) Biking, swimming and running? Pfft. A real Iron Man Challenge would be about building power armor and drinking vodka.

13.) School shooting every week, they say WHO CARES I WANT MY PENIS REPLACEMENT GUNS! Someone coughs in Liberia, they yell CLOSE BORDERS FOREVER!

14.) More like HARSHtags.

15.) A Mad Max/Ninja Turtles crossover entitled BEYOND TECHNODROME.

16.) The Ghostbusters getting all their jobs stolen out from under them by Pac-Man.

17.) They need a person there to carry people home if they put their backs out trying poses. A yogi bearer, if you will.

18.) Get a tattoo of a MAD fold-in when you’re young so that when you’re old, you can totally see the joke.

19.) I get irrationally angry when a cover of “After The Gold Rush” changes “the nineteen seventies” to whenever the singer is singing it.

20.) Being “politically correct” just means being humane to people dissimilar to you in some ways. It isn’t an insult. It is awesome.

21.) Being a “social justice warrior” just means you fight for the rights of the disenfranchised. It isn’t an insult. It means you’re awesome.

22.) I get the feeling a lot of people who hate current Dr. Who would love it if they weren’t comparing it to their mental baggage about Dr. Who.

23.) Watching television, I explained to my dad what both “sizzurp” and “the d” mean. I’m a really useful person.