New perspective maybe in Walking away and into the New

First of all, I admit that I fantasize about meeting T all over again because of our chemistry. I miss him and censor myself in our conversations. We’ve reduced down to “What’s for dinner?” and talking about plants with pictures that go along with the messages. Ack. Is that friendship? As much as I’ve disliked small talk over the years, it fills in the gaps doesn’t it? I miss him. I love him, but he shouldn’t come over. Because then Hershey would be confused maybe? And he would stay over because we would cuddle. Or he wouldn’t, and maybe that would be worse? Dunno. Dunno. Dunno.

To join this gym or not. LA Fitness. I believe it was my gym three separate times throughout my life if not four or five. It’s literally across the street and there are people and there’s energy. Social anxiety or not, I need some of that to remind me I’m alive. Hershey does his best, but still need human interaction.

M. She was expecting me to consider leaving therapy. I did. I even wrote the email in my mind but talked myself out of sending it. She says that’s progress lol. Anyway, I can be myself with her and we get each other. Her analogy made so much sense. The pot is boiling on high heat, but even if you turn the burner on low or off altogether, it’s still hot and takes a while to catch on that a change has occurred. I guess that’s what I’m going through now, which explains my decision making crisis. I’m trying to operate normal life while making sense of this relocation and end of relationship and goodbyes x some random number. This happened when I ended things with my fiancee too. Only that time, it was my body holding anxiety.

So with the decision making, she helped me see that I made the decisions I did for the reasons I did at the time and they were actually pretty logical but involved conflicting values of my parts. She normalized things for me so I don’t feel as guilty. I guess like any great therapist, she gave me permission to not live so measly in fear of losing everything. The fear of lack and growing up in poverty causes that.

But even if one decision is made like yep I’m going to join this gym, more are to make. K…when? Do I wait for a discount? Should I negotiate or just accept the dumb fees? Am I pretty enough to go to that gym? Am I too old to take the dance classes I love? Will I regret signing up come summer? (No since running in 85 degree weather is not my thing). More anxiety.

She said that my impulsiveness is my inability to sit with the distress before right timing with the decision I already made. Thus, I take a shortcut and end up with crappy razor cut layers and the Rachel as an example. But this apartment wasn’t made like that. There was no time. Had I stayed until June/July like T wanted, I would be paying so much more likely. I couldn’t work. More fights. More abuse (hard to think about since we’ve been so kind to each other lately and he hasn’t been like his old self). She said that if I believe the universe supported me into getting into here, who am I to doubt this? It’s cocreation though…so I half get that and I’ll try to never skimp on gratitude. At least it helps me get to more acceptance.

Tonight I read instead of my usual. Wild… the book that Reese Witherspoon is going to make a film about. Found out by watching an inspirational speech of hers. I love that I can read the book first and get excited when the film is released. Something like that has to be seen in the theaters.

Thinking of my neck pain and how T used to lovingly massage it and make it all better…how my hands would gravitate to his sore muscles too. Wasn’t meant to be. Feel like writing him and telling him that the second he even considers putting himself out there, 100% cut me off. I can’t deal with that emotional pain and already know I’m an insecure and jealous female. Like please no :(

Positives:
Hershey seems to approve of the new setup and the chi is flowing smoother.
Supporting L.
M. Just thank you. Something/someone I manifested at the right time that has carried on for years.
trying to read again
watching the video on the baby koala that sought a hooman to help his mama caught in a trap
The mayo recipe I sent T worked out for him

Mandy: Her hair looks nothing like this. Sorry :( So with her hair as it should be, she’s in the same scene I saw before meeting T. Stopping over knowing that they would comfort each other but had tried and knew it would never work out long term. Normally he would lovingly Dom here without a scene, more like two experienced dance partners. They would share a meal, watch TV, go out… all those things. This time though, she’s showing up to his place and knocks, but he isn’t there. This must be that new energy shift… can’t access the old as easily. I don’t care how evolved I get or healed, I never want to give up the gift of submission. Please don’t take that away.

Hey, it’s okay
love