Unexpected in Walking away and into the New

So R told me that he was set up with a hotel by his friend. Is it possible that it was by choice just in case…? Dunno.

T reached out and confirmed tonight. I’m not afraid or anything because I can be myself with him. I guess R felt very close to me over the wishing happy holidays a few times a year and two years ago when we talked for two months until I heard his voice. But I don’t remember much of that and don’t feel the same. He was always just a friend that I had never really met…

Figured it out though. R was reminding me of Sean and Scott.

Anyway, last night T changed my nickname from butterfly to something I was called when I was in college working two part time jobs. I watched something on Netflix called Alone and then most of a documentary about an angry Asian American woman who planned a murder. Not the lightest content before bed, but for some reason it wasn’t triggering. My dream was of me and two teenage girls (Gelly’s family?) coming home and walking into T pleasuring himself on the walls on both sides of the living room. Then it was dealing with that embarrassment. Then I found out that the girls were riding the bus by laying on their backs on the top with their feet dangling off. Woke up.
WTF? That’s three dreams in a row containing T. Prior to this, he was in 1-2% of my dreams for at least two years.

I don’t want to be ashamed of Mandy and there’s no reason to be. She has felt she needed to reenact trauma to heal. In doing so, it has caused a lot of problems.

My mind went into scenes of what would have happened had I gone back with him or spent more time with him. Then it settled onto the person or so called future husband building a really strong friendship and foundation with her. So much trust and security…strong emotional connection…really feeling like best friends becoming lovers. But then he says he needs her to know something and she’s curious but not afraid. He asks if she would like him to explain it to her or to show her and she is intrigued. Then the scene branches off into him doing what Scott did and just going into full Dom mode. But maybe this time there would be a safe word or she would feel safe anyway? Or maybe it could be light like him pulling her hair tilting her head back. This time they wouldn’t have discussed the lifestyle and it would be unexpected. Maybe she didn’t want to taint the relationship with her past and avoided even talking about submission because of all that happened? Or maybe she would ask for him to say it and the eye contact would be there in her moments of discomfort. In some way, she would find out that when she was on the ap long ago living in the same city that he ran into her but never said anything. “Jes”… He knew her profile, but before he knew it…she was no longer listed as a member and she no longer showed up at the local store and near the pond. Years later, he recognized her in the grocery store…her going for almond milk yogurt and him for cheese of some kind. Zig zagging because of the crowd. He was the one that commented on that isle that day. They would meet naturally and eventually get past her guardedness and develop into what they were now. And he would tell her that before they proceed with intimacy, she should know that he understands what she needs being that he was active in the lifestyle for years. That part of her would always be at the surface and crave more than vanilla. She would ask how long he had been watching her before they met again. Why didn’t he approach her before? She would be provided answers. Whether her hair, or her arms over her head or in spoon position or face to face, that pause of fear and disbelief would be there and she would look as if she had seen a ghost. Here she had tried so hard to push away the lifestyle thinking that it ruined her relationships and only caused damage. Blinking hard, she attempted to make sense of her best friend/lover being a true Dom and even understanding the lifestyle. More questions. Not a switch, a Dom. Later on, she would find that he had been appointed and acted as a Dom trainer as well. He wasn’t a wannabe. He would explain that there was no obligation to include any of it into their dynamic, but if he were truly to encourage her to be herself…he needed to remind her of the beautiful gift she still had…and one that would not be mishandled this time around if she so chooses. Fully clothed, she would feel naked and maybe need time to process the disclosure…even their entire relationship. They were just beginning to be more physically intimate and being mature and safe about it. They were about to cross a bridge together and now it’s as if he was inviting all of herself to be led by his hand. Later on, she would ask about his style and he would say, “No fear this time.” “Would you prefer if I tell you or show you…?

I guess my mind is trying to make sense of something.
Wish there was someone to talk to about last night with.
Wish I knew what these dreams are about.

For some reason, I feel a little better today. 117.1 helps but maybe it was before that. Maybe the scene resolved some kind of inner angst.

Do I see Bobby today?
MR… how many more days? Five or less with the second quarter moon early next week. Then I’ll get my hair cut… see my financial advisor…and all the delayed things will continue.

As far as my apartment goes, there’s nothing I can do now. I know how this works. Parts take over and others panic or would have made different decisions…and I need to just trust. Money is money and I’ll figure it out. Decided to payoff my credit card over the next few months and rebuild savings. Dave Ramsey method is already happening, but I need to let go a bit to avoid the extra fees. Pay it off every month and just use it for the rewards.

This is when I wish I had my old gym membership and could walk to LA Fitness. Just to be around the people in the energy of the room and not feel alone. Hardly nobody works out in this building and it’s too cold to run. But it’s okay. It has to be okay.

Positives:
Getting to see Evvy tonight
Waking up in a different energy
My ability to storytell in my mind to make sense of things
Feeling a little more in control
Loved ones and my living breathing alarm clock with a tail

love