So confused in Walking away and into the New

My friend L. She’s a Scorpio like me but the most non-Scorpio I’ve ever met. So unlike the sign that either she’s heavy in her ascendant energy or I’m not picking up on something. At least a week ago, she uninvited me to a concert. The last I heard, she went alone, which always confused me. First you invited me because X couldn’t go. Then X could go and you uninvited me. Then you went alone? It doesn’t add up. FF to today ad I’m working out and she reached out. K. Then the apology. K. I said I was just confused but it’s water under the bridge. Then another apology. K. We chatted as normal and I even sent her the pictures of the turtles when she asked if I got outside yesterday. Then I’m up doing something and my phone rings. The LAST thing I want to do after talking on the phone all day is-you guessed it-talk on the phone. I ignored it and it was her. I asked her what was up and if she was okay and she had wanted to continue discussing the concert over the phone “because you still seem upset about it.” I told her I didn’t want to talk right now. She said she didn’t want to text anymore. K. Then she kept texting and I finally told her it was hurtful, but I don’t like conflict and I want to move on from it. She said she’s done feeling bad about it and that I’m making her feel bad. My MHP reply was, “I didn’t make you feel bad.” I didn’t explain. She’s didn’t respond. My guess is that she feels bad about it with herself and can’t let it go and is projecting onto me. Anyone can influence anyone, but she has her own thought end emotions and she is in charge of them. My plan had been to do the Scorpio thing…the Kara thing. File it away in the orange or red flag drawer and lower my trust…keep her at arms length. If we continue, that will still be my plan.

I never had many friends to begin with as in INFJ and because of my past.

Matt came onto me when I was most vulnerable and called me shallow when Sarabeth asked a question. Nine years of friendship and we no longer talk.

Katie was excited to run the unicorn run thing that she asked me to go to glitter run and the day of, she was too “tired” to run and wanted to walk. I had woken up early to run around the neighborhood to work up to a 5K or more for weeks and wanted to actually race. She was upset that I didn’t walk with her and that was that. Dumb. She also ruined the specialness of crystals outdoing me with buying so many just because.

Emily was a sweet soul from high school. She was part of my eight people that hung out together because we were the outcasts that didn’t grow up in the rich neighborhood. We were great friends and tried to continue, but then she was also friends with the populars, the same people that bullied me that only noticed me when I began starving myself. It just didn’t work.

Tammy. She was short lived. A few friendship coffee dates and found out she was a Satanist. Okay. I was open minded. Then she asked for a pic of T when we first started dating. Everything looked and was good on paper at the time. She said that she and her elders saw selfish and narcissistic qualities. I ended it because I thought she was trying to get me to be in a sexual relationship with her and her partner (which she was looking for) and was trying to isolate me from T. In hind sight, she was pretty spot on about him. At least those are his darker qualities.

Josh. From Best Buy. We were so, so, so, so close after my abusive relationship. Perkins and spiritual conversation. He introduced me to real cold press coffee. He was my guest at Gelly’s wedding and attended a Christmas with my family. But I only wanted friends and he wanted more. He gave me an ultimatum and I wasn’t attracted to him. Things got worse and eventually it ended.

S. Another coworker. She made a huge scene at work causing everyone to hate her for her own doing and then pulled away when she was fired.

Brennan. We worked together and had a crush on one another. He wanted more, but I was so many years his senior and we wanted different things. He changed jobs and we never spoke again after Pie and Cry when I gave him the letter explaining my decision.

Timmers :(

Maybe a few others…but mainly it’s been Gelly and more recently K who I met through Matt. Ex bfs don’t count.

It’s hard enough to make friends. Dunno.

I guess this is my second quarter moon thing with L.

It feels like groundhog day and even Hershey has my habits and timing down to a T. This is just now in this stagnant backward spinning energy. It hasn’t even been a month. I just need to hang in there.

I shouldn’t have, but I reached out to T to process about L. He didn’t answer. He almost never answered. He continues to be unreliable and it hurts me for continuing to try whether romantic or platonic. He takes forever to respond to a text message. He doesn’t show up. He forgets. It’s just typical him, executive dysfunction or not.

Positives:
I didn’t completely panic when I accidentally ate cheese on the sub. White cheese on white meat…no wonder I was ill yesterday too. Stupid of me and my body is attacking itself with a low grade fever and throat symptoms.

Had a really refreshing conversation with someone who became and stayed a hobo by choice for years.

Took a picture of the sunset.

Responded to Jen’s email making that a priority.

Hope that what the tarot lady said is true. I need a puzzle buddy again.

I’ll have to weigh soon and I’m nervous. I thought about getting rid of any orange light foods today. Thought about using symptoms, but something in me is healthier than that current of energy at least for now. Just don’t make it worse.

Kara is disappointed and is struggling emotionally. Emily isn’t here. Mandy has been shoved back in the closet because of the bad images she led us to watch and the harm it caused. Sarabeth is trying to figure out the pattern of what is next. Which timeline was T? Since we moved in together, like Ricky and I right? But he’s so much like Rob and Scott. After Rob came Sean. F :( Rapist :( After Scott came just living with Timmers again. I guess I’d like to know what energy to prepare for because as much of a romantic as I am, I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I remember reading about the heart wall and I did energy work to open mine back up. It feels closed again, which makes me sad. Should I tap/meditate/use a magnet…what? I feel a bit apathetic about my spirituality right now.

And I wonder if I did anything wrong about the L situation? Me being too passive maybe? But yet I feel like a villain… I don’t even know.

I don’t remember my age and was doing the math in my head. Dad said he believes I’m going to live a long and fulfilling life. I hope it’s not long. Keep me around long enough for Hershey and mom…and I’m okay to go. I can’t continue this unhealthy relationship pattern. I don’t have the confidence or trust in myself to leave this profession…and life is lonely and has been dangerous. People leave. Can’t make anyone happy. I much rather me a real angel than an earth angel/wise one down here. I’d love to be a guide watching from above and sending signs in the earthlings language. Always having conditional love and reunite with Timmers up there :( Again, thank you for the turtles.

The dumpster near my own apartment which is down the street is where I rescued the baby raccoons from. I wonder if it would be okay just to check and see if any got stuck. I’d come back and carry my chair over there to save them if I have to again in a heartbeat. I pray that the tenants would care enough to save their lives. They were just hungry grabbing something at the bottom and had no way out. I pray that everyone is patient on the road and with the animals with their babies. I just pray that we all be kind.

Whatever I did, I’m sorry. :(

Hey, it’s okay. I’m trying Emily :(
love

Last updated April 15, 2024