Continued in Walking away and into the New

Mom can relate to my situation with L. She has also cut off people in ways because of mistreatment and misunderstandings. Maybe it’s dichotomous thinking, but maybe it serves a purpose for protection that is justified too.

Chad. My INFJ buddy in a helping field like me. He introduced me to amino acid drinks and a supplement for pineal gland detoxication. I gave him crystals to protect his new town home and cleared his space. We walked around at Como Zoo gardens and the art gardens in Eagan. We even went to a spiritual ceremony out of state together and we put all the miles on my car driving to Kentucky. His real self came out and he was so unkind, so mean throughout the entire trip. He basically abandoned me there, but I did major healing with the help of mother earth and the guide man (whatever he’s called…Damien). When I clued him in on a trait that would not serve him with his clients, he later went off on me after pretending everything was fine. I was afraid he was going to assault me when he unleashed his fury weeks later when on a walk with me. He then sent the meanest text message with multiple paragraphs I have ever received from everyone when I was cleaning the pond here. And that was that. Toxic and very residual Scott energy. At least I learned how to self soothe during the ceremony. Who knew a blanket could get me through such painful visions. I was convinced I was dying and all I could think about was my mom. Someday, I’d like to do more healing work again. I found a reason to live that day.

I’m hoping my boss doesn’t act sarcastic about my last hour being research for treatment planning. Sorry I didn’t rake in money for you…but nobody could fill the appointment. I hope and pray she hears me out that I just want to have four appointments per day, see my own clients, and live my life. Sometimes I think that if I hadn’t worked so many long hours…hadn’t gone back and forth to my desk before and after dinner and before bed, maybe T and I would have been better.

One thing about him though, he never put me down for my eating disorders. He told me it was my choice, which hurt, especially when I dissociated during the episodes but never degraded me. He never commented on my inflammation from hashis and always told me I was beautiful and his butterfly…his girl. He sat with me when I felt too full and had the urge to purge. It meant a lot. I never used symptoms while living with him. Tonight is questionable and I can’t even say a part took over either. I just ate the “healthy” dessert I made for the week…the rest of it while doing the puzzle. This will be my first damage control since I’ve been here. Purging=aggravating already existing health problems and making them worse. Pros and cons. I thought about meeting with R on Friday and I’d like to have a normal rather than scratchy voice and non-burning throat for days and days. I’d like to fit better in my clothes rather than be swollen from water retention. I’d like to feel somewhat okay about myself. I thought about my clts tomorrow. Granted I’ll be masking with professionalism because it’s about them when I’m on at work. But still…hurting myself will only seep into sessions and that’s not fair. I thought about a lot and just let it be. Triggers: lonely, guilt or confusion of not having something to feel guilty about concerning L, hopelessness, groundhogs day feelings, really poor sleep last night, which is so much unlike me, missing T and companionship, feeling I’m not enough for Hershey. Just a lot. But I didn’t…and I’ll do the juice cleanse the first part of next week…and the rest…distract, feel, and cut back.

It’s evident to me that the guy upstairs I helped out is Sean’s energy. Same dog breed. Same body stature. Same confidence and likely same sun sign. Doesn’t surprise me. Energy is only reborn and never dies. He’s more of a non player in this chapter. R came about before T and here he’s coming back now. Dunno.

Positives:
Educating myself on a diagnosis to avoid error
Not purging or continuing an episode
Changing my address like a good girl only raised my car insurance premium 8some dollars
Figuring out why I never received my new real ID and knowing the steps to change my address again
Good news about Gelly and her guy
T inviting me for pizza on Saturday. Mom says be careful and remember why I ended things. I know :(
The rain and thunder today
Having a place to write down my thoughts again. Journaled since I was a teen and don’t know where I’d be without it.

Mandy is encouraging me to go strawberry blond again. I really want to but again, don’t want to make anything worse. Funny. All the pictures I drew of her over the years, my hair is finally the length and is wavy like hers.

And for L…I’ve known her for over a year. We have so many parallels and she was the manifestation of the seed I planted during that moon cycle. We met our partners at the same time. Same amount of siblings. So much. Most of my relationships are long term until they’re not. So maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

Tomorrow I see Laurie and will have to update her on the changes. Yes I moved again in less than six months. Nope, I’m no longer with him. Here’s my new pharmacy. Please put a prn on order for me so I don’t go too down hill. Embarrassing, but she’s been okay since my previous one retired after working with me for over 10 years. I’m grateful to have her.

Tomorrow is a new day. It feels like I failed, but that’s not what’s happening. Just hurting and trying to cope…and needing to try something different. Need to feel this so it doesn’t come out in all directions. Thankful I didn’t have M today. For now, I’m going to stop searching for socialization because of the energy current. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. I’m looking for bread crumbs.. It’s like a pause before the next chapter begins. I imagine our souls are up there discussing contracts and destiny and next steps in our growth, which is dependent on this review time.

Please be okay. Don’t make it worse.
love