Target in Walking away and into the New

No matter where I’ve lived, I came back to this city and shopped at that Target. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s because it was near the house when Ricky and I were engaged. It was near the lake that I would run around first before picking up a Watermelon. It’s the one I went to when I signed up for Match.com and it would tell me when I passed a man that was also on the site. Now it’s only 7 minutes away. Anyway, a guy was joking with me and smiling and I noticed a couple of men checking me out. Me? Maybe it’s the larger chest during this time or maybe my vibration was higher. Either way, it helped me feel more confident and showed there’s some distance between T and I. Running around the pond later, I thought…this time I want to meet someone IRL and not over a site of some kind. Like-I want to get to know him from scratch maybe and feel that spark instead of hope and pray that it’s there and in person is the same as messenger or the phone. I just want us both to know.

I’m thinking against seeing bobby tomorrow. All I can see is a faint yellow in my aura, so I know seeing the surrounding layers would give more information. But what if Bobby tells me that the reverend’s reading was bunk? What if the reality is that I’ll end up in another abusive relationship or just never be lovable again? But maybe I need confirmation too. I’ll say…you knew didn’t you? And he’ll agree. I don’t know what I’ll do.

I don’t know why I torture myself with these relationship shows. The Ultimatum with one of the hosts being from my favorite boy bands I listened to while tanning in mom’s backyard. Mandy came forth and we really missed T. Living here almost feels like he’s about to pull up and try to find parking for 10 minutes and I’d be checking last minute details to ensure my place looked immaculate. But he’s not coming over. Even if Mandy or the one I don’t even remember the name of came out, we would regret it. I can’t even picture going over there because what was our bed is now here. Like it’s all wrong. I worry that I’ll never have as intense of an experience with pleasure and pain and fear and feelings of safety and seeing purple again. For some reason, T and I just worked that way. Even just one night would cause damage and I need to stop thinking about it. I definitely miss being submissive…but I can’t say that a Ds relationship is what I need either. I just miss companionship and taking care of a man. Will my new person like to play the question game? Will he hold his palm over my forehead and eyes to calm me down? Will he like Hershey?

Then I think about all the ways I’m not perfect. Girls are supposed to get their nails done or do it themselves over hours of time. That’s not me. Girls are supposed to wear high heels and uncomfortable clothing to impress. Not me. I wish it were. And what about my trauma around people’s family and about engagement and marriage… what about my parts? What about feeling like intimacy is like the first time again because of Ron? I don’t want to make it so hard on someone. I don’t want to compete. I don’t wan to feel not good enough.

That wasn’t my message to T. He just didn’t provide. He wouldn’t talk to me. He wasn’t honest. He wasn’t stable. I love him as a person…but that just can’t work long term in a relationship. He isn’t relationship material for me. It’s not the same. I hope I never made him feel that way.

It was go, go, go and now the loneliness is back. It’s a 4 on the Likert scale but if I lean into it, it will increase.

My soul is on track with growth as evidenced by timing. Energy is coming into fruition based on the moon going into first quarter. Makes sense. I need to give myself some grace about this week because my hormones were off on top of everything else. So far, I’ve been a bit more even keel. Sessions were fine. No symptoms tonight.

Positives:
Seeing the two swans at the pond
The smiling joking guy that woke me up from my anxiety in the store
Finding my matcha tea to prepare for the switch
making a decision when I was having decision paralysis by flipping a coin
Feel less alone by getting out a bit

Mandy feels empty and sad. She wonders if it is safe to write and fantasize about scenes. Is it allowed by the others? Everyone else is quiet.

Please be okay.
love