917 in idea barrages

1.) It is not unpatriotic to admit those desert camouflage baseball jerseys look like someone threw up all over them.

2.) For the first time in my life, instead of berating her with my failures and my obvious lack of spare cash, I was polite with the kid from SU begging for alumni donations. Progess!

3.) It’s a remake of Jaws with mice and a cat. It’s called Paws. It is TERRIBLE.

4.) There couldn’t be two things more different in the world than The Beach Boys and Halloween yet they have the theremin in common. Throw in Star Trek and we have three! The theremin binds us all.

5.) I would have been a lot more into dental x-rays as a child if they had only called them “molaroids”.

6.) I honestly cannot remember if “Amen” and “227” were supposed to be in the same fictional universe or not but it FEELS like it. I mean, in my mind, Remington Steele was totally the early adventures of James Bond too, so what do I know? I think too much about crappy old television.

7.) …find a little duck… pull his feathers off… get down tonight… get down tonight…

8.) She hated lamb chops so much, her parents made her eat them if she misbehaved, they called it “a mutton for punishment”.

9.) I know that a bento box is, like, a Japanese lunch format but I like to pretend that it is Italian slang for a sex toy injury.

10.) Don’t mind me. Just putting electrical tape on some “Universal Studios” tee-shirts so I can refer to myself as “Universal Stud”.

11.) What would hipster kindergarten be without deconstruction paper?

12.) What’s the difference between George Bush in 2000 and Buffalo in the winter? Buffalo gets lake-effected, W got fake-elected.

13.) The cable ISP market is a scientific breakthrough in monopolistic business, a high-energy super-colluder.

14.) Trick or treating dressed as Zeus and every time someone answers the door you’re hella yellin’ “RELEASE THE KRACKLE!”

15.) Voluminous beings are we, fat on cake batter.

16.) It’s LIKE a Genius Grant, except you sit around playing MOONWALKER and SONIC and they don’t give you money.

17.) If you pretend to not know the convoluted origins of Super Mario Brothers 2, some super nerds will go into a dorky dorky panic.

18.) Though Boo Berry’s solid, considering Frankenberry is the best cereal ever & Chocula’s a Top 10, that’s an incongruous drop-off.

19.) …oh to live on… cougar mountain… leopard pants and the over-tanned boobs… they like ‘em twenty… on cougar mountain…

20.) It’s an opera about the jack-o-lantern apocalypse. “Twilight of the Gourds”.