sep24 in idea barrages

“I had no idea that a man who would go on a reality television show to purchase a mail order bride could turn out to be a narcissistic jackass!” Man, if these things weren’t 115% fake, I would feel bad for these people.

A Dark Side themed cologne named “Odor 66”. “Before your next date… execute Odor 66!”

Man, like, I do understand that I’m a better looking dude in person but I must have killed the King of the Cameras in a past life because in every photo, I seem to look like Jay Leno ate John Belushi and I’m like, not cool, cameras, not cool. I apologize to you, King Kodak.

If I had been a Ghostbuster, my brain would’ve just generated a dumb pun like “The Metropolitan Oprah” and Gozer would’ve just been like “if you’re not taking this seriously, I’m not even gonna invade your dumb dimension” and the world would’ve been saved quite anticlimactically.

Maybe when you get random texts to different names, they aren’t from scammers, those are just your names in adjacent timelines, and Steve-You really does have ten grand in his Cash Cow account waiting for him. Lindsey-You really does order Omaha Steak a lot.

In last evenings dreams, I was idly flipping around the television and stumbled on a Saturday re-run of Jeopardy and I was one of the contestants, despite never remembering being on it. I was winning by a slim margin then it was cut off by the Saturday Monster Movie. I never found out how I lost. I must’ve lost, right? I’d have the money if I won, right? Why didn’t I remember either way?

The day you stop listening to current radio pop music is the day your life truly begins. (my life began in, like, 1998?)

If Popeye ate kale, would he still turn super strong but also be a smug hipster about it? Would he berate Wimpy for not eating Impossible Burgers? Would he enroll Sweetpea at a Montessori school?