jan 10 in idea barrages

Do perfume testers have competitions to see who is the best in the world? Do they have Smelling Bees?

Before you eat that Christmas cookie, look down to it and whisper “You’re about to take a ride on the Molar Express”. That food’s gonna taste 17% better.

A head-canon where Elon Musk and Dave Matthews were childhood schoolmates together in South Africa at an elite academy for training children to ruin popular culture. Like a secret Hogwarts for making the world lame. THE AARON SPELLING SCHOOL OF INSIDIOUS MEDIOCRITY or something.

If I could appreciate beauty just for itself, I surely would but here I am, listening to Neil Young “Helpless” and imagining a version about Lucky Charms. The yellow moon did it.

You can’t spell FRUITCAKE without UTICA (sideways).

“I’d rather look stupid than hurt someone” was not just a comment on the way I did a, like, twelve-point turn to leave that crowded parking lot. It’s basically the code I live my life by.

A parody of Beck’s “Lord Only Knows” about indie darling actors built around replacing all the instances of the word “Odelay” with the world “Chalamet”. “Chalamet Chalamet Chalamet Chalamet Chalamet Chalamet, Just Timothee, Chalamet Chalamet Chalamet Chalamet”.

I feel like a lot of sex toy stores miss out on the obvious tie-ins for Thanksgiving sales. “Gobble Gobble” “Stuffing” it’s all there but, once again, I haven’t been made in charge of everything that doesn’t really matter yet so I can’t lay down a dictum.