Remind me to have Taco Bell™ this week. in The Napkin.

This little break from the gym has been… Not what I expected. Instead of a surge of energy, it’s like coming off an antidepressant. Sleeping a lot. Not entirely because I’m tired, but because I’m bored.

Oh, I could have gotten up at 7 am today. Would have been fine. But I had no desire to do anything again, so I just rolled over and slept until noon.

I was really hoping my desire to do anything would return. Anything. Nope, I’m just as unfocused and unable to concentrate as before.

It’s annoying. It’s the battle of “this isn’t where I want to be” feeling versus the “ya know, life ain’t that bad” in my head.

It’s a low bar, but I don’t dread work. Workfriend typically tries to cheer me up. And workcrush’s shiny object syndrome keeps me entertained. Though, she’s also perceptive and reads me easily.

Then again, I am pretty easy to read.

Depression is so difficult to explain to normies. Take waking up with three cats on me. Sounds like a nice feeling. Except. I don’t feel much of anything. It’s that if they weren’t there, I would feel worse.

Or the anti-depressant effect of exercise. It doesn’t make me euphoric. And it may not make me happy. But it gives me a better shot at being closer to baseline.

I’ve tried giving myself time to just not-be-okay, as trying to hard can backfire. Part of my burnout happened because I have to keep trying, every day. But man, when you’re in a rhythm where it’s the same stuff every single day because you’ve found a rhythm that works, it hits monotony.

And there’s not much to spice up my life.

It’s just get up, go to work, pay the bills, exist, and that’s it.

Oh, as for NaNoWriMo, that’s a wash. All the inspiration I had earlier this year is gone. Plus, I have difficult concentrating.

It’s going to be difficult heading into the AREN’T YOU HAPPY time of year. If I just had someone to spend it with, it would be easier.

Gosh, I miss how I could just sit and play video games.