jan 28 in idea barrages

I bet it’s weird going undercover for a sting posing as a stripper who starts out dressed as a cop. The only thing worse would be going undercover as a club DJ, that moment when you realize you’re going to need an alternate line for “put your hands in the air”.

It’s like the perverted carpenter always said: “Measure twice, nut once.”

“You’ve just got to go for the gaucho, man.” “Don’t you mean, go for the gusto?” My eyes narrow. I handed him a bolas snare. “I know what I said.”

Your romance novel about pastry chefs will, of course, be called PIPING HOT.

I feel like the only reason Seth Rogen hasn’t produced a stoner western called HIGH NOON is that even he thinks it’d be too obvious.

Even in death, poor Louie Anderson is overwhelmed by the power of meat.

When your dog fails obedience school, they are legally in their rights to issue a retraining order.

I like to imagine one ghost telling another that they got stood up for a date. “Did he person you?” “Dude, he TOTALLY personed me.”