I've always known I'll die alone. in The Napkin.

Well, not literally. Just my greatest fear. Probably everyone has this fear in some form.

It might sound like a downer to “accept” that I’m going to be quite the loner for a long time, if not forever. As, I do have levels of human contact. Just not the level of human contact I’d prefer. Not a secret that introverts do indeed require social activity and intimacy. I’ve just noticed that extroverts tend to be more… superficial.

I bite my tongue out of fear of what I might say. And frankly, I feel that fear is justified. For the most part, I’ve been good over the years in throttling what comes out of my mouth. Only when I feel really safe do I just blurt things off-the-cuff. True friends will hear me blurt something wild, and they won’t be phased.

It is facing that longing for someone to save me or fix me and say, “No, it’s ultimately up to me.” I feel there’s no contradiction in saying that it is up to YOU to seek help or change yourself.

I know some chicks who “date themselves”, and at this juncture, I don’t quite get it. Sure, if I have an impulse of treating myself, I’ll go with it. Like the other day when I had a tasty burger. But otherwise thinking I need to be in a “relationship” with myself only makes me wish I had a real one.

If I’m going to be a lone kitten, I might as well embrace it, rather than lament it.

As always, I was watching my mood and thoughts at work. Some rather sharp downturns, but. Unlike times in the past, they didn’t seem to sustain their negative intensity. That’s a good thing.

Living “one day at a time” gets a bit depressing at times. I like knowing I have something over the horizon to look forward to. At that moment, I couldn’t think of anything. No great vision for my future.

Mind wandered.

Got to thinking about my next tattoo.

I was able to catch that perhaps the two thoughtlines were related. A tattoo IS something to look forward to.

Left inner wrist.

It’s 1:53 am, and I’m out of cookies. I did eat around 8:30 pm at work, though that was over five hours ago. So. Eh, screw watching my weight, I’ll gorge myself on chocolate. I’ve lifted six days straight, I can just sleep in tomorrow and cross my fingers I don’t feel groggy in the morning.