Dip. in The Napkin.

I’ve had a good two weeks. Better moods tend to correlate with a drop in writing, I have noticed. (Though, really bad moods can also correlate with a drop in writing, as well. Ah, that sweet spot of depression where your mind is everywhere and the clickity-clackity doesn’t seem to stop easily.)

I recall fifteen days ago. Woke up around 8 am that Sunday. Then spent 8 hours just laying in bed. Didn’t feel “bad”, no direct anxiety or nervousness. I just laid there. Quite a nonverbal sign of depression. I had a passive annoyed observation that laying in bed all day wasn’t doing me any favors.

I met my singular objective of getting back to the gym. The process of pre and post-workout activities would be what I need(ed) to take a step forward. It has been nice having a higher baseline. Almost “normal”, that is. So, this current dip feels like what my baseline has been for the past year.

Except.

Okay, I have an alarm set daily for 8 am now, to ensure I don’t sleep in. Woke up at 7:45 am. No issues getting out of bed. Remembered I was working on laundry last night. Tossed in the last load with no issues. Switched it to the dryer with no issues. I set the dishwasher last night, I’ll probably get to that by the end of the day. (Touch easier if you load-it-as-you-go.) Remembered to check Duolingo. No issue.

Small examples; one of my sweeping issues in my life has been wanting to do things but feeling unable.

Yesterday, I thought my goal for today would be to head to Target and get a new vacuum. I may still, but I’ve removed that pressure from myself. I noticed last Monday that the gym was inordinately busy. As in contrast to how not-busy the gym is on weekends. (Not empty - simply not busy.) Might be logical to deem Monday a no-gym day.

Nine days, five workouts. (Every other day.) I have enough logs to know where this goes. I have enough logs to know where this goes. The urge to lift, but the body/mind sending off other signals. My work capacity will return, but it will take time. I’ll no-gym today, optional cardio tomorrow, and see whether it positively influences my mood on Wednesday.

A balance between acknowledging progress, but not lulling myself into a false sense of security ie don’t blindly smile and think “this is over”.

PS: Do you like trashy reality TV? “The Circle” is something that could only be made during quarantine. Show doesn’t even need to explain why they never physically interact. There’s no keyboards, so it is so frakking bizarre to listen to these people verbally input their emojis*. If you had a not-so-guilty pleasure watching “Are You The One?” or “Love is Blind” or “Too Hot to Handle”, well. “The Circle” might be the background noise for you.

And I’m soooo rooting for the catfishers.

(*Not a secret that I don’t use emojis - I prefer words. I only use ascii symbolism tongue-in-cheek. In a way, the overusage of emojis Darmoks to a point where the expressions conveyed are so generalized that, at times, people are saying nothing.)

PPS: They’re no longer on Netflix, but “The Great Food Truck Race”, “Canada’s Worst Driver” and “Worst Cooks in America**” are examples of not-so-trashy reality TV.

[**Someone using a dishwasher to cook is so unbelievable that I don’t think anyone could script that.]