barrage of late April 28 in idea barrages

1.) I ought to name a poetry collection "How To Survive A Lightning Strike" someday without any connection to the actual poems.

2.) The Inevitable Destinyman.

3.) His mutant power was total mastery of advanced-level footnotes. A true suprahero.

4.) Companies rigging up trending hashtags to look organic as marketing ploys should be called hashtagriculture.

5.) I like to pretend when the news refers to "religious radicals" it's just people drinking Surge and using skateboards with Jesus on them.

6.) Striking sherpas should move to Cali and help guide people through the arduous three-day journey from Hollywood to Anaheim at rush hour.

7.) "Oh he's just exaggerating his racism to show off," she said, "he's just hate-doggin' now."

8.) How could a film title ever use the phrase "Redneck Zombies" when "deadnecks" is so obvious?

9.) The Big Science Fair lobby wants as many things called planets as possible to drive sales and that's the trouble with plutocracy.

10.) The fact that there has never been a porno-parody of NPR called "All Thongs Considers" proves that porn isn't living up to its potential.

11.) This bizarro USA where the poor are shamed for accepting assistance but millionaire ranchers are praised for theft & insurrection threats.

12.) So much of the Middle East comes down to the fact perpetual war's the only way leadership on all sides knows how to maintain power anymore.

13.) I am disappointed there has never been a Tolkien biography marketed with the pull-quote "50 Million Elvish Fans Can't Be Wrong".

14.) The title "King of Beers" is appropriate, like a king it's terrible but we let it stick around for reasons of momentum no one can explain.

15.) Singing to Ollie, to the tune of Poppa Don't Preach: "Puppy won't fetch/won't listen to me/puppy won't fetch/won't listen to me"...

16.) Think I'm gonna start sleeping in the spare house once or twice a week, for writing privacy, now that Dad's health is better...

17.) A Duggars/Kate Plus Eight crossover called "Crisis On Infinite Births".

18.) Plans are how we pretend we have control.