Functioning and well adjusted in All

Surprisingly, I am a well adjusted and fully functioning member of society. Despite growing up in a messed up environment I think I turned out pretty normal.
I am pretty. I am physically healthy. I am a runner. I can hold down a job. I have an associates degree, and I am currently working on my bachelors. I was married. And like so many marriages today, mine fell apart. That was my longest relationship. It was 8 years. My second longest relationship was 11 1/2 months. I have just hit 8 months with my current boyfriend.
I am bright. I am articulate. I have common sense. I am personable and I have a fun loving personality.And on the surface I am extremely confident.

Yes, I have insecurities.
I am a girl. So naturally, I think I'm fat. I think my boobs are too small. I think I have to much cellulite and I hate my stretch marks. I have low self esteem (I know it's ironic considering I am so outgoing and confident in most situations) I fear rejection.

I am pretty normal by today's standards. Especially because I am one of the few adult humans on this planet who does not have to take medication to get through the day.

But i was also numb. I went through the motions of life without really experiencing life. Everything was done because it was supposed to be done. Get a good job, pay the bills, find a nice boy and then get married.

I never thought of myself as emotionally handicapped. But when my marriage fell apart and it was time for some personal reflection I had a few epiphany's.

First I realized I was selfish. I expected him to understand what I needed without telling him what I needed. I was not vulnerable. I didn't let him see all of me. He only saw perfect me. And just like I am so very good at superficial relationships and friendships. I am very good at superficial marriages too. Except for the fact that after a few years of financial struggles, it became disgustingly apparent that we did not have the foundation (that a real relationship would have already develped by that time) the strength needed to get through the hard times. And I certainly didn't have the love for him. I thought I did. When I married him I thought I loved him. Besides, I was pretty sure that no one else would ever love me (remember no one else in my life stuck around for longer than 11 1/2 months. I would say on average most of my relationships lasted 2 - 3 months tops.) enough to want to marry me. So even though in my subconscious (Which I refused to listen to) I knew he was not the man for me, I married him anyway.

After 6 years of marriage I finally found the courage to say it wasn't going to work. (We had already been struggling - and trying to make it work for 3 years) I was miserable. I thought that out there somewhere there had to be something better than this. There had to be someone out there who could make me feel loved. This man that I am married to is not that man.

And as scary as it was to walk away. 3 months shy of my 35th birthday, I walked away from my relationship of 8 years. I walked away from a man who had become a stranger laying in a bed next to me. I walked away from the safety of a life that I knew, from a man who i knew would never leave me. And at the age of almost 35, I was walking away from the possibility of having a family. But because somewhere deep inside, I found a tiny flame of hope burning with faith in myself. That tiny spark that said "you are worth it" "You do deserve better than this" I found 20 seconds of courage to say "I want a divorce." and I walked away with $46.00 in my pocket.

But looking back, how messed up is it that I spent 8 years with "the love of my life" and I couldn't muster up more than a superficial relationship with him. What does that say about me. Here, all this time, I thought that my "emotional stability" (now I can look back and call it emotional numbness) was a strength. I was not that crazy psycho girl. I knew how to check my baggage at the door. I kept a smile on my face. And I didn't let anyone know that I was hurting. Especially my husband. And especially when the things that were hurting me were being done by him. Nope life was perfect. Because that was how I was trained to deal with conflict. Don't let them see they are getting to you. Fight back the tears and the emotion at all cost, remain nonchalant. Then when the dust settles. Sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened.

Sorry to inform you. But that isn't how it works in the real world. In the world of relationships. Communication is key. Conflict resolution a must. Compromise a necessity. But how do I untrain 37 years of training.

Well, I am not sure yet. Currently my mantra is speak everything I am feeling. I am not very good at communicating. And so far this tactic ends up with me just spewing all my feelings out in a giant brain dump and the Boo just staring wide eyed at me. Dear in the headlights look of terror. So I usually end up apologizing and saying I'm sorry, but I can't help my feelings. He says it's okay and then we distract ourselves from the awkwardness by going outside for a cigarette. Or excuse ourselves for a fake trip to the bathroom. I should note here, that he is not the best of communicators either.

So I suppose if you see an entry regarding a break up- you will know how my futile attempts of communication are working out. In the meantime. I have to start somewhere. and hopefully he is strong enough mentally to handle being my communication guinea pig.

I guess the point is, that I am not as normal as I think I am. and that maybe my normal insecurities are much worse than I thought they were, or dismissed them as.

And I am beginning to wonder if I was better off being in the land of sweet denial, than this suddenly emotionally charged life I am living now. The roller coaster of high's and low's is exhausting. And I need a break.