may 23 in idea barrages

When dolphins curse, it’s probably like “Ahhhhhhh SHARKS!”

The Easter Bunuel, however, only leaves you surrealist dreams.

If Arnold Schwarzenegger had shown up with an indecipherable gravelly upper Midwestern accent instead of goofy over-pronounced Austrian, I bet they would’a called him “Bod Dylan”.

The only difference between a playoff beard and a layoff beard is the extra p. I don’t even know what that means, I just know that it’s true.

The best thing about being a cyborg that appraises for THE ANTIQUES ROADSHOW would be saying “You know, I have an eye for this kind of stuff…” then ripping out your robot eye and putting a new one in pre-loaded with info on that kind of stuff.

Time wounds us all. He was once Carson Daly, then he was Carson Weekly, now he’s Carson Monthly if he’s lucky.

Like, okay, I didn’t rise from the dead three days after my execution so as to forgive humanity’s sins but… like… I’ve had a really good run of posting weird stuff on social media tonight and, without magic powers, that’s pretty okay.

The best name for a really wholesome emo band would be Tom Angst.