out like a blizzard-breathing lamb barrage in idea barrages

1.) I thought for all these years their standards were too high for me. Only now do I realize screw it their standards were too low.

2.) "I think we should see other people" is probably even more insensitive a break-up line if your ex was blind.

3.) Replacing the word "Irish" in any phrase with "Amish" makes it instantly funny.

4.) Recommending a Matchbox 20 video is youtube's way of telling you it thinks you're lame.

5.) I finally realized how the outros to "under the bridge" and "jeremy" are basically the same thing.

6.) Man, if you say you want people to get their lives together and move on, tearing down their every moment of positive momentum does not help.

7.) Someday we'll figure out how I end up constantly surrounded by beautiful women when I'm rarely dating them. Top scientists will be involved.

8.) Screw it, negativity. I'm just not listening anymore. You don't own my pasty ass.

9.) How come all the viral lies are about imaginary Marines punching out teachers? Where's the meme that sex w/ fat men makes women healthier?

10.) After a big coffee, I go to the bathroom and successfully uninstall JAVA.

11.) Now we need to just play Atari 2600 games that are horror-themed with a scare cam and pretend to be scared.