ten hours living inside my head in idea barrages

1.) They're a rap-rock act that only plays tourist-oriented delis in Manhattan. They're called Limp Brisket.

2.) Many area codes have slogans. Ours is "315, Dead or Alive, No Really, Please Tell Us, We No Longer Understand The Difference."

3.) It's basically LOST except on a planet instead of an island. The pocket pitch is "LOST in Space".

4.) Gone are the days of painful injections to help you forget Robin Williams' lesser works. Now there's The Patch Adams Patch.

5.) Spend at least five minutes each day pretending that Grecian Formula is what they feed babies in Athens.

6.) Just heard an actress on The Moth compare getting called fat by paparazzo to the Holocaust. Ultimate Self-Involvement: Achievement Unlocked!

7.) World War Three? This is all been World War Three since the division of Berlin. World War FOUR is what I'M worried about.

8.) Don't accuse me of dismissing women's soccer because of sexism. I dismiss it because it is soccer.

9.) Right-wing extremists using their voluminous access to a staunchly centre-right newsmedia to claim the newsmedia is liberal.

10.) Dear Youtube, quit logging me out to try & trick me into logging back in with Google Plus. I ain't going down without a fight.

11.) I blame the unpopularity of my twitter feed on the fact that you ain't no follow-back girl, you ain't no follow-back girl.

12.) The answer to every puzzle on Wheel of Fortune is actually "NO ONE HAS CARED SINCE NINETEEN-EIGHTY THREE".

13.) Creighton's mascot is a character on "Regular Show", right?

14.) Up here, it's less Spring Break and more The Idea Of Spring Is Broken.

15.) A great way to break the ice with a new proctologist is to say to him "usually THEY pay ME for this".

16.) I have to assume that the only reason I am not married to Aisha Tyler is that someone really screwed up this timeline to make it not happen.

17.) If I die anytime soon, I want "Handsome Other Than Being Fat" on my gravestone, ok? Until I accomplish something more interesting than that.

18.) Translating a call for an internship forwarded by my old school: "Want to write w/out getting paid? E-mail these guys to beg them for that."

19.) SMOKING PIPEWEED IS A FILTHY HOBBIT.

20.) Ballsier is just baller if I really put my s into it.

21.) Dad's cat sometimes tries to go outside to pee, decides it's too cold then turns back to look upon with hate like "THIS IS YOUR FAULT."

22.) Considering how long a vampire's life can be, it's a shame they can never reflect upon it.

23.) Have heart attacks from only eating three/Gravy, GRAAAAAAVY Pockets, sold with the frozen foods.

24.) I feel like the next big post-emo whiney white-boy soft-rock band will be called "The Albany Casino Plan".

25.) Some offices devote one day a week to undoing time travel paradoxes. It's called Causal Friday.

26.) KEEP CALM AND RETIRE THIS MEME ALREADY.

27.) I wonder when the entire Japanese culture decided to become an Andy Kaufmanesque parody of everything wrong with America. Good on you guys.

28.) THOR 2: THE DARK WORLD is just a re-skin of LOKI LOKI PANIC.

29.) YOSHI'S NEW ISLAND is just a re-skin of DOKI DOKI PENINSULA.

30.) My rap name is Big Tasty and my first album to "drop" will be called Get Rich Or Try Dieting.

31.) A Gray Album-style mash-up of Radiohead and Janis Joplin called "Mercedes Bends".

32.) The only thing I wanna throwback is the entire concept of throwback hashtags. THROW THEM BACK.

33.) Has there been a Fred Phelps/Game of Thrones mash-up called Westeros Baptist Church yet?

34.) If you're pretty sure you can get tix to see Kate Bush overseas, put up a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner even if you haven't sealed the deal.

35.) Had a dream where I went to an auction and bought up talismans of all memories then put them in boxes and gave them away.

36.) My yearbook quote 17 years ago was "After all I'm only sand to irritate the oyster and to wait for the pearl" - Adrian Belew

37.) I don't need to a buzzfeed quiz to know I got Marc from RENT and Mike from DAZED AND CONFUSED and The Maxx from Image Comics.

38.) It's bad enough they've all got MC Hammer pants. Please Hammer, don't shirt 'em.