july 1 in idea barrages

1.) An evil pastry chef called Infectioner’s Sugar.

2.) If your colostomy bag bursts, it is now a catastrophe bag.

3.) I still like to refer to Bea Arthur’s role in the Star Wars Holiday Special as “Grand-Ma Tarkin”.

4.) If I had to have a mafia nickname, I would definitely go with “Normal Legs”. Michael “Normal Legs” Cecconi. People would ask how I got it and it would be explained “he has really normal legs”.

5.) If I had the power of a god, I would probably do useless weird things with it, like anytime someone attempted talking dirty during sex, they would say it in the Super Mario voice. “Spanka me, youa dirty dirty agirl!”

6.) When a Satanic high priest is burnt out, they send him on a black sabbatical.

7.) “Gentlemen, because of the crisis, I’m afraid I’m going to have to declare martian law.” “Mr. President, do you mean, uh, martial law?” (dons a springy antennae hat and begins painting his face green) “You heard what I said, hu-mans.”

8.) Naming your child “Specific” and grooming him for the military in the hopes that you can be the proud parent of “General Specific” isn’t the worst play at meaning in this life.