may 26 in idea barrages

1.) If you were REALLY cool you’d start recutting old DALLAS footage into a Beverly Hillbillies-style sitcom with a laugh track, call it OIL IN THE FAMILY and deliver it to me once a week.

2.) Whenever a sportswriter describes a leg injury as a “balky knee” I imagine Balki from PERFECT STRANGERS instead, just wailing on their knee with a lead pipe, screaming curses in a pidgin pseudo-Greek.

3.) A giant two-gang knife fight predicated on disagreement over whether Grease is the word or if rather The Bird is the word.

4.) If Nine Inch Nails sponsored a NASCAR team ironically, I hope Richard Petty’s team would be their bitter rival so we could call them the “Petty Hate Machine”.

5.) The three most important words in underwater real estate are echo-location, echo-location, echo-location.

6.) Today I realized that “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” mashes up with “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, like perfectly.

7.) Epees are pretty versatile, they’re at the minimum duel-purpose.

8.) Reclaim the movies that you loved before they got tangled up in memories of exes. Reclaim the songs that sang your soul because you heard them at a job you hated. They’re just the bathwater, baby, but you’re all you’ve got.