may12 in idea barrages

1.) The NBA playoffs take so damn long, I like to imagine beat writers sending letters to their families back home, in Ken Burns sepia tones with a lone violin score: “Dearest Martha, it has been a long thirty-five months since the regular season ended…”

2.) If May Parker had survived the snap and gone around killing criminals to dull the pain of loss instead of Hawkeye, we could’ve called her Vigil Auntie instead of Ronin and, frankly, it’s just a missed opportunity.

3.) An MRE that when you open it, spring-loaded fake snakes jump out, that’d be a fun tactical joke.

4.) Eschew fad diets because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.

5.) We could’ve done a “Honey BooBoo” parody with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck called “Bunny HooHoo!” and it totally would’ve worked but once again, our culture dropped the ball.

6.) No, I never wrote a parody of Desperado about how annoying Despacito was after the 500,000th time you heard it. I have been dropping the ball on my responsibility to stupidity and I will own that truth.

7.) Yes, I was singing “like Paul Atredies, the Muadib, it’s a cult of personality, cult of personality”. I do things like that.

8.) “Boil Shack” sounds less like a seafood restaurant and more like a low cost clinic for STD treatment.