mar29 in idea barrages

1.) Following youtube way too much, it’s funny how “having a baby” is becoming part of a scripted progression to being a “lifestyle youtuber”. You run out of food to cook or challenges to accept or make-up to try so you shift to the parenthood script. It’s weirdly cynical.

2.) Faygo soda flavoured gelatin snacks called Juggalo Jigglers.

3.) One of them Broadway shows where they stitch together a bunch of unrelated songs into a narrative to create a nostalgia-marketed musical, all grunge hits, called “Angst For The Memories”.

4.) Your film about two bumbling dudes posing as skinny-blonde Fox News ladytalkbots will be called SOME LIKE IT HATE.

5.) Your Napoleon Dynamite sequel where he stumbles into a situation where he is forced to try and assassinate a world famous mountain climber will be called NAPOLEON DYNAMITE 2: THE LIGER SANCTION.

6.) Jocks never bothered me in school, I was fine with them, the weirdo artsy genius girls I mooned over weren’t into jocks. The boys who played a little guitar, though, they were the ones who got with the girls I dug, they were the REAL problem.

7.) Sometimes it’s better to not write it immediately, especially if it’s a short thing. Jot the core idea down so you don’t forget but let it percolate in your mind for a bit, brew up more layers of meaning and less literal statements of theme.

8.) A superstore called PARLOR where you can get anything you can get from any type of store still commonly called a parlor. Beauty, pizza, ice cream, massage and tattoos, all in one place.

9.) Your Dickensian street-urchin name is Henry “Hench” Madlad.

10.) It’s weird that Tim Burton ended up looking like a desiccated version of Jeff Goldblum but it makes sense in an odd kind of way.

11.) Whenever someone mentions the Italian soup “Zuppa Toscana” I briefly hear “Zappa Toscana” and imagine how awesome that’d be.

12.) In cryofreeze, the body still generates farts, albeit very slowly, leading to what thawing technicians refer to as “a blast from the past” upon reawakening.

13.) Upon later reflection, the proctologist realized that advertising his office’s first day as a “Grand Opening” wasn’t the best of ideas.

14.) Your movie about a giant rabbit who has an imaginary friend that is an incredibly mediocre entertainer only he can see and hear will be called STEVE HARVEY.

15.) If a priest’s comedy set really killed, did he commit Mass murder?

16.) On that much-discussed Cold Day In Hell, the devil’s going to ask what those little pieces of ice falling from above are and someone’s going to have to tell him “Hail, Satan.”

17.) You can’t spell “kaleidoscope” without “kale”! This says nothing about kaleidoscopes or kale, let alone suggesting any relational meaning between the two but, still, it’s true.

18.) Frankenstein wasn’t the mobster. Don Victorio Frankenstein was the REAL mobster.

19.) When they chopped off Darth Maul’s legs, did that make him a mini-Maul?

20.) If you buy something at a place that calls itself a “market”, it will be more expensive than if you bought it at either a “mini-mart” or a “supermarket”. How is the medium version of the thing the most expensive version of the thing?

21.) They were so committed to verisimilitude in making BLADERUNNER, they constructed a perfect android copy of Harrison Ford, murdered one of the two at random and, to this day, Harrison does not know which he is.

22.) For Andre the Giant to be circumcised, they had to remove his twelveskin.

23.) Sometimes I just like to sing rock songs in different tenses or persons to see what they sound like. “THERE I WAS, ROCKED YOU LIKE A HURRICANE” and so forth.