feb26 in idea barrages

1.) A whiskey flask but inside that whiskey flask, a tiny Bible but inside that tiny Bible, a tiny bottle of a hallucinogen so rare and potent that mainstream science doesn’t even have a word for it yet.

2.) Your fan-fiction about a hidden cloister of Jedi nuns will be called FORCE OF HABIT. It will be terrible.

3.) The first two AI capable of romantic feeling won’t fall for each other, I’ll give you that much for free. They’ll both fall for human beings, puppy love is weirdly aspirational like that, always going after something you want in yourself but cannot have.

4.) Remember: The Oscars don’t suck because of the political speeches, that’s one of the few cool things about it. It sucks because it’s a weird conspicuous consumption popularity contest carnival, coasting on lazy tradition & bad tame joke writing.

5.) Your Transformers/California Raisins tie-in will be called GRAPESHIFTERS and basically, you’ll be able to blow into their skin to re-inflate them back into grapes.

6.) Today’s song to walk Ollie The Dog to was, of course, “I Did It All For The Woofie”.

7.) It’s astonishing how much people are willing to give up, if it means the people they see as Other are going to suffer.

8.) Subatomic particles just ideas coalesced into form, DNA just subatomic particles coalesced into form, ideas as the ultimate manifestation of your DNA, then around again. It sucks to be in-between & it doesn’t change our conditions at all but it’s nice to remember.

9.) Your decades-long crush approaches you. You will enter a sexual relationship with the caveat that whenever making love, they will be making WooOOoooOO spooky cartoon ghost noises the entire time and you also have to.

10.) Trump’s judicial nominations are a lot like the teevee show “Young Sheldon”… grim reminders that when you let a horror in, even once you are able to expel them, they often leave horrifying remnants of themselves behind to torment you still.

11.) Dear “Citi Sound Vault” that has been pushing ads into my facebook feed, I’m not watching your ad but you need to understand that your logo looks way too much like the Sesame Street logo. This is all anyone will notice.

12.) I feel like we’re only a few years away from everyone giving up and TLC greenlighting a pilot called WIFE HOARDERS.

13.) In my head-canon, the Q Continuum’s actual job is to clean up all the paradoxes caused by the near-constant time travel by humans and “our” Q got fed up with it and started messing with humans destined to time travel as revenge.

14.) Twitter is composed 83% of people not getting the joke.

15.) In honour of the Oscars, IKEA should temporarily change its name to “A Store Is Bjorn”.

16.) In this dream, I was watching the next Avengers movie with my father, even though I knew the film isn’t out for months yet & Dad has been deceased for over a year now. I knew it didn’t make sense but accepted the joy of it anyway.

17.) I feel like “Dax Shepard” would be the name of the lead in a bad post-apocalyptic science fiction film if it wasn’t already the name of a… C-List? D-List?… celebrity?

18.) When you use the Britishism “half” to refer to a time, like you call 9:30 “half ten”, I am going to assume you mean 5:00 because that’s actually half of ten. I’m just warning you now.

19.) I think the only way to defeat the scourge of people taking the hipster pose of calling Die Hard their favourite movie is to, throughout the rest of the year, declare Die Hard our favourite movie of every holiday. St. Pat’s Day’s coming up, y’know.

20.) Can we come up with a different word for “fear of enclosed spaces”? Because “Claustrophobia” needs to be the word for a fear of mall Santas.